World Chumps

Catching up with the Auburn oak tree killer

2011-02-17T10:38:00.000-08:00

Today's lessons for would-be environmental vandals: If you're going to take it upon yourself to destroy a venerable icon beloved by hundreds of thousands of people, a) Pick a target that's not monitored by camera 24 hours a day, and b) Don't call in to the most popular radio show in the state to brag about your crime. Otherwise, you might end up like 62-year-old Alabama fan Harvey Almorn Updyke, better known now as "Al from Dadeville," who was arrested early this morning for allegedly applying a lethal dose of herbicide to a pair of 130-year-old oaks at Toomer's Corner, the traditional campus meeting point for Auburn fans to celebrate victory by rolling the trees. Updyke is charged with criminal mischief and was being held this morning on $50,000 bond.

His arrest came less than 18 hours after Auburn confirmed the poisoning in a release on Wednesday afternoon. Initially, the university was alerted by a caller to the Paul Finebaum Show on Jan. 27, "Al from Dadeville," who proudly described poisoning the trees with Spike 80DF – the same herbicide later found in soil samples – a few days after Auburn's comeback win over Alabama last November. According to the university, the lowest level of Spike detected in samples was 0.78 parts per million, "a very lethal dose." The highest level detected was 51 parts per million, some 65 times that lethal dose, which is possibly enough to warrant significant environmental penalties. (The university also said there's "no reason to suspect any human danger from the herbicide," and expert said at a press conference this morning that there's very little chance any groundwater would be affected.) Auburn police chief Tommy Dawson said this morning Updyke potentially faces further charges, but declined to elaborate.

Classless Star

2008-12-03T19:26:00.000-08:00

From the Calgary Herald...

Smirking. Smug. Potty-mouthed. Narcissistic.

Sure.

But pathetic. More than anything.

The smutty, smart-ass kid at the back of the classroom giggling at his own dirty jokes. The preening campus jock who expects all the nerds to drop their jaws in envy and the cheerleaders to drop their pom-poms in ecstacy.

No class, all class-clown.

Infantile.

More Here

Tiger on the Lamb

2006-06-13T22:35:00.000-07:00

Detroit Tigers slugger in absentia Dmitri Young has some splainin to do after he failed to show for a pretrial hearing regarding a domestic violence charge filed against him back in April. An arrest warrant was issued for Young after a judge ruled that Young’s attorney failed to provide a good enough excuse regarding Young’s whereabouts.

The 32-year-old is currently on the disabled list with an injured right quadriceps, and left the team for what the Tigers called "personal reasons" in late May.

Young’s attorney William Swor missed the hearing himself, but he supposedly told Assistant Oakland County prosecutor Tare Wigod that Young had a medical emergency and was out of state.
Judge Diane D'Agostini rejected the request for a delay and demanded proof by the end of the day that Young was housed at a legitimate medical facility. She also ordered Swor to appear in her courtroom on Friday. A fax from Swor was ruled insufficient evidence that Young needed to be out of state, so D’Agostini lowered the boom.

Young's antics explains younger brother Delmon Young's behavior.

Yet another reason to hate Duke

2006-06-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

The golden boy ain’t so golden after all. Duke’s J.J. Redick was arrested early Tuesday for drunk driving. The 21-year-old Redick was released on $1,000 bond shortly after being taken before a Durham County magistrate. He is to appear in court July 17.

"J.J. knows he made a mistake and regrets it," Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski said in a statement. "He represented the very best in college athletics and exhibited outstanding character at Duke the last four years. He is and will continue to be a credit to the Duke basketball family. As his friend and his coach, he has my total support."

Translation: As long as guys like Redick continue to make me one of the highest paid coaches in the NCAA, then he can do whatever he wants. Drive drunk, attend lacrosse parties, pick your poison man!

A Derby Sure to Be a Cut Above the Rest

2006-05-05T00:06:00.000-07:00

"No seriously, I didn't do it"

Nothing says Kentucky Derby like Mint Juleps in May, but this year’s race may have more of a Bloody Mary feel to it. The Derby’s newest fan, one Orenthal James Simpson, has been slicing up and down the paddock at Churchill Downs this week, soaking up the atmosphere that is the spectacle of the run for the roses.

The Juice has been trying to keep a low profile while in Louisville, but it isn’t as easy as it sounds. Cut off your ex-wife’s head and never live it down. Who knew?

O.J. hasn’t been keeping a low profile when it comes to talking about who he thinks is going to win this year’s Derby. He’s going with Lawyer Ron.

"I love lawyers, I know all about lawyers," he said, mentioning the late Johnnie Cochran in his diatribe to reporters on Thursday.

Oh man that O.J. is a real cut-up isn’t he.

Still, the man can still sound like a lunatic if you give him the opportunity.

"You got better parties here than you do in Miami at the MTV Awards," he said. "It's the No. 1 event of the year. The hip-hop/movie/horse culture is all here."

Hip Hop? Say What?

"It comes down to Kentucky hospitality," he said. "I feel totally comfortable and everybody's great."

Well, except for the 250,000 attendees who wouldn’t spend 30 seconds with you alone for fear of having their throat slashed.

Don't Mess with the Bambino

2006-05-04T01:35:00.000-07:00

"OK, this head swelling
we can explain."

The Babe sent a message on Wednesday night. That message came in the form of a batting practice foul ball that nailed Barry Bonds right between the eyes...through the BP net. The message was clear as day. "Break my record through lies and deception and I will take offense." In fact, the Bambino may not even let it happen.

Bonds was nailed by a foul ball off the bat of San Francisco Giants rookie infielder Kevin Frandsen. Bonds was standing behind the protective batting practice netting, but he was close enough that the ball caused Bonds to yelp after taking one off the dome. He sprawled out on the turf for several minutes while trainers attended to him.

Bonds trails Babe Ruth by two career home runs, but will be catch the Bambino? The message from the grave was probably just a warning. Because Babe Ruth didn’t do anything half assed you see. So if Bonds knows what’s good for him, he’ll quit now.

Why even bother continue one of the most tainted records in professional sports? Major League Baseball has already snubbed Bonds, saying they won’t sanction any celebration to honor Bonds should he break Ruth’s 714 home run mark. The league has also indicated that it will not certify any ball that is involved in a 714 or 715 Bonds home run.

IT was no coincidence that Bonds was injured in Milwaukee, home of the Brewers. Ruth was a notorious drinker, so the renegade baseball surely didn’t find its way to Bonds coconut by accident. The message was loud and clear.

Trifecta Tuesday

2006-05-03T00:03:00.000-07:00

• Los Angeles Lakers center Kwame Brown is being investigated for a sexual assault, which allegedly occurred following the Lakers Game 3 victory on Saturday night. No charges have been filed and Brown played in L.A.’s 114-97 loss to the Suns on Tuesday night. Lakers head coach is re-examining his team mantra, “Be like Kobe.”

• Tampa Bay Devil Rays farmhand Matt Rico was suspended for 100 games on Tuesday after testing positive for drugs. The Devil Rays were ecstatic, because now they have more roster room for upcoming 1st overall draft picks.

• Several Seattle Mariners pulled a fast one on manager Mike Hargrove, when they asked to join a nationwide labor boycott in support of immigrant rights. Mariners fans were left asking themselves if the entire team had planned on making an appearance anytime this season.

Like Father, Like Son

2006-05-01T23:25:00.000-07:00

Why isn't he doing something
honrable, like freezing his
father's head?

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. At least not when the tree is named Pete Rose. Rose’s sone, Pete Rose Jr., was sentenced Monday to one month in prison and five months of home detention for distributing a steroid to his Chattanooga Lookouts teammates. The 36-year old Rose has floundered in the minor leagues his entire career, hoping to mimic the notoriety that his father achieved as a baseball player/

He couldn’t do it with his baseball skills, so he turned to the next best thing, a baseball scandal.

"I made a mistake and hurt a lot of people," Rose said outside the courthouse after the sentencing. "The judge is great. He was very generous and I can't thank him enough. He doesn't have to worry about me doing anything like this again," Rose said.

Given that Rose probably won't be allowed anywhere near a baseball clubhouse, the chances of his becoming a repeat offender seem pretty slim.

The 36-year-old Rose pleaded guilty Nov. 7 to distributing the steroid alternative GBL. Rose faced up to two years in the clink and a $1 million fine. Like his father, he also will not be landing in the Baseball Hall of Fame anytime soon.

It's All In the Name

2006-04-28T02:31:00.000-07:00

Forget that NFL prospect's time in the 40, or the number of reps the guy can benchpress. There's an easier way to gauge NFL talent than to worry about verticle leaping ability and Wonderlic scores. In today's marketing happy NFL, it's all about what's on the outside that counts. Starting with the letters on the back of the guy's jersey. So we decided to help some of those clueless GM's out there by ranking the top 10 NAMES in this weekend's NFL draft. If an NFL GM needs a reason to pick someone, it may as well be becasue they have a cool name. Our picks, from top to bottom:

Rank	Player	Pos / School	Comments
1	D'Brickashaw Ferguson	OT, Virginia	An O-lineman with the word "brick" is his name. Priceless.
2	A.J. Hawk	LB, Ohio State	That name was made to play linebacker in the NFL
3	Lafaele (Vaka) Manupuna	DT, Colorado	Just thinking of John Madden trying to pronounce that name makes it a top pick
4	Kamerion Wimbley	DE/LB, Florida State	Sounds like a stealth wind
5	Haloti Ngata	DT, Oregon	Holy Gawd what just hit me?
6	Santonio Holmes	WR, Ohio State	Think of the nickname possibilities...Holmes
7	DeMeco Ryans	LB, Alabama	Da me going to bust you upside the head.
8	Kader Drame	DT, Syracuse	The Raiders should draft this guy just because of his name
9	Mathias Kiwanuka	DE, Boston College	Ugandan for "I'm going to tear you in half Mr. QB"
10	Kili Lefotu	OG, Arizona	Sounds like "kill you"

And for the least desirable:

Rank	Player	Pos / School	Comments
1	Ashton Youboty	CB, Ohio State	Girls first name. Last name sounds too much like booty.
2	Ghent Adrian	CB, Troy St	Gents have no place in the NFL
3	Sir Henry Anderson	DT, Oregon St	Just a bit too pretentious, don't ya think.
4	Damarius Bilbo	WR, Georgia Tech	Um, rhymes with...
5	Willie Colon	OT, Hofstra	Double whammie for this poor guy.
6	Trinity Dawson	RB, Toledo	Trinity? That's a girls name!
7	Elvis Dumervil	DE, Louisville	This guy could be Bill Parcells whipping boy all season
8	Banks Floodman	ILB, Kansas	This guy's pants can never be long enough
9	Tearrius George	DE, Kansas State	Does his best friend wear a big yellow hat?
10	Leverne Johnson	OLB, Troy St	Shirley you must be joking

Young & Stupid

2006-04-27T00:03:00.000-07:00

In 2003, Delmon Young was the first player taken in Major League Baseball’s amateur draft. On Wednesday night, Young was another dumb professional athlete who had made a bad decision in how to handle a situation on the field. Young thought it more appropriate to throw a bat into the chest of an umpire, rather than leave the field after getting tossed for arguing balls & strikes.

The younger brother of Detroit Tigers outfielder Dmitri Young. Perhaps big bro can knock some sense into the highly touted prospect.

Young delayed leaving the batter’s box after getting rung up by the umpire. When told that he, “you better get going”, Young flipped the bat end over end, striking the umpire in the chest.

"It was hard to say what was going through his mind. Guys have emotions. But you try to learn how to control them. I'm sure as the bat left his hands he knew it was a bad decision," said Pawtucket catcher Corky Miller.

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who selected Young with the first overall pick in the 2003 amateur draft, will not comment until they dig deeper into the predicament. They can afford to be harsh in any punishment, as 1st overall picks should be available to the Rays for the next 7 to 10 years.

Joke is All Bull

2006-04-26T01:22:00.000-07:00

Probably not the kind of marketing teh folks at Red Bull had in mind when they purchased the New York / New Jersey Metro Stars last March.

Alecko Eskandarian, a competitor who plays for D.C. United, was fined $250 by Major League Soccer on Tuesday for celebrating a goal by spitting out a mouthful of Red Bull. We don't blame him frankly, the stuff tastes like crap.

After scoring in United's 4-1 victory over the newly redubbed New York Red Bulls on Saturday, Eskandarian ran to the sideline and caught a can of the energy drink tossed to him by a teammate. Eskandarian took a swig and spat it out in mock disgust. He later said the prank was "just for laughs."

On Monday, he was honored as MLS player of the week. On Tuesday he was fined by the MLS ("More Laughs = Suspension") for the stunt. On Wednesday they'll probably make him Team President of the Red Bulls.

Trifecta Tuesday

2006-04-25T23:09:00.000-07:00

• The San Jose Mercury News reports that Baroid the Steroid's personal trainer Greg Anderson (of BALCO fame and misfortune) has been subpoenaed to testify in the Great Baroid Perjury trial of 2006. The Mercury News, citing an unidentified source close to the investigation, also reported that former Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative vice president James Valente was subpoenaed. It is unknown if Dusty Baker’s 6 year old son will be called as a witness, but we’re thinking it’s a good bet.

• The Denver Nuggets suspended Kenyon Martin indefinitely on Tuesday night for conduct detrimental to George Karl’s ego. Karl was upset that Martin was upset about something that upset Karl. It’s an ugly story that keeps getting worse. Both egos have agreed to ignore each other for the time being. Karl will have the easier time doing so, since he’s the one doing the suspending.

• The sticky-icky has landed sticky Rickey Williams on the NFL suspended list for the entire 2006 season. The Miami Dolphins running back will now be forced to contemplate his mistakes away from any NFL based support groups (otherwise referred to as football teams). Williams has decided to let the smoke clear before deciding on his next course of action.

Lacrosser May Have Issues

2006-04-25T20:07:00.000-07:00

Collin Finnerty, one of two Duke Lacrosse players who has been formally charged with eh rape of an exotic dancer, apparently has a bit of a checkered past. Finnerty was ordered Tuesday to stand trial in Washington on an unrelated assault charge. It seems that Finnerty and two accomplices are accused of punching a man after he told them to "stop calling him gay and other derogatory names.”

So he’s a rapist and a gay basher. What’s next? Nazi sympathizer? Child porn enthusiast? What the heck, the sky’s the limit.

The beauty of this latest revelation is that Finnerty is now going back to court on the assault charge because he couldn’t keep his nose clean. He would have been off the hook with some community service. But no, that would be too easy. So he takes the rape route and bam, the gay basher story is front page news.

Dumb Collin.

WC NFL Draft Forecast Game

2006-04-23T19:24:00.000-07:00

Alright all you pigskin prognosticators, it's time to join us for the NFL Draft Forecast game.

This game challenges you to predict the top 15 selections in order for the upcoming NFL Draft, using our easy to use drag and drop draft ranker. Best of all, it's FREE to play.

Get in the action now:
http://games.espn.go.com/draftforecast/group?groupID=1264

Game Front: http://games.espn.go.com/draftforecast/frontpage

Once you sign up, join the following group: "World Chumps"

Sunday Roundup

2006-04-23T16:14:00.000-07:00

• A West Virginia student was detained at Marshall University's Edwards Stadium and had pages from a stenographer's seized after the student was caught diagramming Marshalll formations during a team practice.

Wonder if he gives
odds as well?

• How smart is Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon? He bet teammate Kevin Youklis that he's let teammates give him a mohawk if he opened the season by pitching 10 scoreless innings. We have no idea what Papelbon's Wonderlic score was.

• Speaking of the Red Sox and "dumb", the team ended one of the dumbest disputes in baseball history by settling with former first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz on the fate of the ball that Mientkiewicz caught to end the 2004 World Series. Neither team will get it after all. It will spend the rest of eternity (or the period between Red Sox championships) in the Baseball Hall of Fame

• Baroid the Steroid ended his home run drought by belting his first of the year at Coors Field. After rouding the bases, he held a finger to his lips in a sad attempt to silence the Denver crowd. He just doesn't get it does he. They're booing you because you're a cheater genius.

• Forget the fact that LaVar Arrington was in court to support his agent Carl Poston, but recognize that Carl Poston was in court. The scourge of NFL agents is facing a two-year suspension by the NFL Players Association.

• More Busch League antics by one of the Busch boys. This time it was little moron Kyle Busch who slammed into Casey Mears car after a red flag had been issued to the field during the race at Phoenix Speedway on Saturday night. A red flag means "stop immediately". Everyone on the track got the message except for the trouble prone Busch.

• Giants Manager Felipe Alou needs to do more reading. He asked that an investigation be conducted to understand why Omar Vizquel was geeting beaned so often in Colorado over the weekend. Read Omar's book Felipe.

• Those Chinese are pulling out all the stops for the 2008 Summer Olympics. They've also figured out a way to get rid of poor neighborhoods along the way. You simply bulldoze them. Apparently the dude driving this Jonh Deere wasn't the same guy driving the tank in Tiananmen Square.

• Gotta hand it to Washington Nationals GM Jim Bowden for hanging on to his sense of humor. In his first public comment after being arrested for drunk driving and getting beaten up by his girlfriend earlier this week, Bowden put his situation into perspective. "If you have to spend a day in jail, at least it's an off-day, so you don't miss a game," he said. "There were some pretty good athletes in there. So if they get out, we might be able to work a couple out."

Reggie's Got Some Splanin To Do

2006-04-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

Incredible to think that guys that are on the verge of raking in more money than they could ever imagine, still jump the gun and break the rules. Being the first overall pick in the NFL draft almost guarantees that kind of money. Everybody’s All-American, and soon-to-be #1 overall pick, Reggie Bush may have been a little jumpy in Cash Collection 101 while at USC.

Charles Robinson of Yahoo Sports is reporting that Bush’s parents promptly vacated a 3,000-square-foot house in a San Diego suburb over the weekend after the website approached Bush’s mother with inquiries about why they were living in a house that was linked to Michael Michaels, a sports marketer. Mr. Michaels is alleged to have tried to steer Bush to an agent.

USC has referred the matter to the NCAA.

"Rather than jumping to conclusions, we need to determine the facts before commenting on this report," Trojans athletic director Mike Garrett said in a statement released by the school on Friday. "We have asked the Pac-10 to look into this."

The school will need to do everything in its power to demonstrate that it had no knowledge of Bush’s dealings with Michaels, so any impropriety be proven. While Bush is raking in millions starting next week, the school gets to do the NCAA sanction-shuffle. What is it with SC running backs and their holier-than-thou attitudes?

MLB Drops the Gloves

2006-04-20T00:28:00.000-07:00

Major League Baseball finally took action against Barry Bonds on Wednesday. After a grand jury investigation, a possible grand jury indictment for perjury, and a tell-all book that has exposed Bonds as a roid-a-holic, the league acted swiftly, slapping Bonds with a $5,000 fine for wearing non-league approved wristbands.

Bob Watson, baseball's vice president for on-field operations, announced the ruling, but added that Bonds has already appealed. The league has had all it can stand, and it can’t stands no more.

"It probably will go to an arbitrator," Watson said.

Watson and other league officials were patting themselves on the back for taking such decisive action and hitting this epidemic squarely at the root.

Bonds was not in the lineup on Wednesday night. Apparently he was too distraught with the penalty to take the field as the Giants squared off with the Arizona Diamondbacks in Phoenix.

In related news, junkies around the globe have adopted a new wristband fashion craze. The elastic terry-cloth garments are not only fashionable, but functional. They come in a variety of colors and they easily camouflage track marks.

Apparently they don't offer Business Ethics 101

2006-04-19T23:50:00.000-07:00

Buy 3, Get 1 free
pair of handcuffs

Duke’s Fuqua School of Business is one of the nation’s best places to learn about the great art of capitalism. The school’s retail store is leveraging the publicity, albeit bad, that the school’s lacrosse team has garnered in the past month for the sexual assault charges that have been brought upon two of the team’s players. So like any good (translation: evil) capitlist, the store is moving "Duke Lacrosse" merchandise like hotcakes.

"Historically, lacrosse has been one of our three or four best-selling sports," said Tom Craig, general manager of retail stores at the Durham, N.C., school. "But over the last month, sales have increased to three or four times our normal rate."

This guy can’t be serious.

"We just had to keep up with the demand," Craig said. "There are a couple outstanding orders that we are waiting on; but as of now, we are in great shape in terms of inventory online and at the stores."

The demand? Unreal! This guy is jonesing because he’s moving inventory thanks to the alleged rape of a woman by representatives of the school.

"I don't think we're taking advantage of the situation," Craig said.

Expect the “Son of Sam digs Duke” t-shirts in the campus bookstore in time for Christmas. The “Coach KKK” line should also be a big hit by the time lynching or basketball season rolls around (whichever comes first).

MLB Busts Out the "Naughty Corner" to Curb Roid Use

2006-04-19T00:38:00.000-07:00

Major League Baseball dropped its Styrofoam hammer on Tuesday by suspending five no-name minor leaguers for positive steroids. Arizona Diamondbacks minor-league pitcher Angel Rocha won the bonus prize with a 100 game suspension for failing a second test.

The four others suspended, received 50 game penalties. Those scape goats included: Los Angeles Angels pitcher Karl Jelinas, New York Mets pitcher Jorge Reyes, St. Louis outfielder Yonathan Sivira and San Diego pitcher Matthew Varner.

Any major leaguer caught failing a test under the new toothless plan would receive the first time penalty of 50 games, regardless of if they failed a previous test under the old plan. That’ll teach those dirty scoundrels.

ESPN’s Pedro Gomez still has a sneaking suspicion that Barry Bonds has taken steroids, and is out to prove it. He’s still waiting for his copy of Game of Shadows, so his breaking news will have to wait a week or two.

Sunday Roundup

2006-04-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

• Former Denver Broncos tight end Clarence Kay was arrested AGAIN. The eight year NFL vet has been arrested 12 times between 1984 and 2000. This time he faces a misdemeanor domestic violence charge for allegedly ramming his girlfriend's head into a carport.

• Los Angeles Kings forward Sean Avery squared off with Mighty Ducks of Anaheim television analyst Brian Hayward earlier this week. Avery took offense to some remarks Hayward had said about Avery on a Ducks broadcast. The two squared off in the Kings locker room. "You're the reason the league doesn't have a national television deal. You're a (terrible) announcer and you were a (terrible) player," Avery said during the exchange. Hayward’s response: "How would you know? When I played, you were in your third year of eighth grade."

Fore the love of god!

• Speaking of the Kings...the pregame dominators turned another hot October and November into a season of discontent with their elimination from the Stanley Cup Playoffs this week. The Vancouver Canucks followed suit with an implosion of their own.

• Carrie Mae Stoudemire, 50, mother of Phoenix Suns star Amare Stoudemire could face up to 4 1/2 years in jail if convicted for two counts of aggravated DUI stemming from an accident last October. She was on probation for two other aggrevated DUI's at the time. She also gave arresting officers a fake driver's license. Stoudemire remains under house arrest until her trial begins in June.

• Yet another reason why the Orioles won't win the AL East any time soon. A home run hit by Javier Lopez on Sunday turned into an RBI single and an out after Lopez passed Miguel Tejada on the base path.

• And another story that should make North American professional athletes kiss the tails of their fans. Bulgaria's Botev Plovdiv soccer team needed a police escort after supporters in 30 cars chased down their bus while returning from a 2-1 loss to Sofia. Players ignited the ire of their fans after flipping the bird at them following a heated discussion on the loss.

• Two children were injured at a minor-league baseball game promotion that turned into the a big fat mess. The West Michigan Whitecaps dropped $1000 at Fifth Third Ballpark, then allowed children ranging from five to twelve to dash for the cash. A 7-year-old was trampled in the stampede.

• A cricket match in Bangladesh turned nasty, when a group of reporters and photographers squared off with the local police chartered with guarding the event. The media group was upset that a policeman had assaulted a photographer earlier in the 3-day test match. A good old fashioned cricket donnybrook broke out, resulting in several injuries to the reporters (apparently pencils aren’t as effective as batons). One reporter underwent surgery to stop a severe head injury.

• Baroid the Steroid's beaning in Los Angeles on Sunday had nothing to do with the alleged drug induced advantage that he's used to pound home runs off Dodgers pitching. It was in retaliation for the pitch Jeff Kent took off the dome earlier in the game. The events could make Giants-Dodgers matchups worth watching for the first time since Jon Roseboro retired.

Aussies, don't take no, uuh, jive...

2006-04-15T23:05:00.000-07:00

Does this mean leg warmers
will be back in style soon?

Can’t say that we know any fat Australians, but the country down under is taking measures to ensure that the battle of the bulge doesn’t get out of hand. Well, at least not for the country’s cheerleaders. Gymnastics Australia, the governing body of all things pom-pom for the Aussies, has banned exposed midriffs for all cheerleading troupes by the end of the year.

Nerine Cooper, national cheerleading manager for Gymnastics Australia, said the decision was needed because cheerleaders often performed in front of family groups. And GA also doesn’t like fat girls apparently.

"We don't want girls to feel under pressure to lose weight because of uniforms," she told Sydney's Sunday Telegraph.

So which is it? You don’t want the girls to have eating disorders or you don’t want all the dads in Australia ogling the nation’s cheerleaders?

Lisa Ince, head of Sydney Promotional Dancers, disagrees

"It's ridiculous really, if the thinking is that a midriff is offensive, then every dance school and athletics club would face the same restrictions," Ince said.

And she forgot strip clubs and topless car washes. If you’re going to make an argument, pull out all the stops Lisa.

Now That's Focus

2006-04-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

The next time you shoot triple digits on the golf course, stop pitying yourself and think about David Lynn’s round in the Volvo China Open. Lynn leads the tournament at Honghua International Golf Club by a stroke after shooting a five-under-par 67 on Thursday.

What’s so remarkable about a professional golfer shooting a nice round? Well, Lynn did it with a massive boil on his groin.

"I saw the doctor on Monday and it got quite bad on Wednesday and Thursday. I couldn't really line up my putts."

Imagine that. Lynn had the boil removed, so that he can really focus on his game.

"It takes your mind off golf."

Baroid Headed to the Bull Pen(itentiary)?

2006-04-14T00:43:00.000-07:00

Do you you think they'll
let him bring his wig?

No wonder Baroid hasn’t been launching bombs into McCovey Cove like every SF Giants fan had dreamed entering this season. He’s been too preoccupied with the notion of going to jail! The Associated Press is reporting that a federal grand jury is investigating Baroid to see if he committed perjury in 2003.

You may recall that other grand jury, way back in the golden age of baseball, 2003, when Baroid was summoned to testify on the BALCO scandal. His testimony indicated that he didn’t know that substances given to him by his personal trainer Greg Anderson, where steroids.

You can say a lot of thing about the U.S. government, but you can’t say the feds can’t make your life a living hell if they’re motivated enough. Lying to a grand jury is not one of our top 10 suggestions for keeping in good standing with the feds.

But Baroid doesn’t live on the same planet as you and I. He lives somewhere between Neverland and Wonderland (he does look a bit like the Cheshire Cat when he’s grinning doesn’t he?).

Do they let ESPN film crews into federal penitentiaries?

Around the Horn

2006-04-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

• 10 unforgettable World Cup red cards [Who Ate All The Bratwurst]
• Urologist's Rap Rips T.O. [Early World]
• Say Hi to Barry with a sign [The GYS Network]
• MLB Steroid Auction [Lost Brain]
• Pacers Miss Having Ron Artest To Blame For Everything [The Brushback]

The Last Temptation of Copa Mundial

2006-04-12T01:27:00.000-07:00

Elvis has left the town
along with the party

If you’re going to Germany for this summer’s World Cup with expectations of all you can consume soccer, suds and sex, be sure to steer clear of Bad Nauheim (rhymes with “Bad Time”). The resort town just north of Frankfurt is pulling out all the stops for its guests from Saudi Arabia, which includes hiding all the alcohol and cutting off the porn channels in town hotels as a means to remove all temptation for its Muslim guests.

"We do have a photo exhibition in the pool area which shows a lot of skin and it goes without saying that it will be removed by then," Michel Prokop, general manager of the Hotel Dolce Bad Nauheim, told Reuters.

Art nouveau paintings that feature naked boys wearing wigs will also be removed from a theater in town (not sure that would have been on our “must see” list).

"We will leave the Pay-TV on in their rooms but the porn movie channels will of course be turned off," said Prokop. "All the alcohol will be removed from the mini bars and replaced with soft drinks."

Kind of amusing that the town that once served as home for Elvis Presley’s while he was in the Army from 1956 to 1960, will be the last place any hound dog will want to frequent during the Cup. Party On (over to the next town buddy)!

No, Motor Oil Was Not Involved

2006-04-10T23:50:00.000-07:00

Cat fight! Well almost. After NASCAR Super Dork Kurt Busch wrecked Greg Biffle at Texas Motor Sppedway on Sunday, Biffle’s extremely hot girlfriend Nicole Lunders, stormed out of Biffle’s pit and bee-lined it over to Busch’s pit before giving Busch’s girlfriend an earful. Apparently she was not convinced that Busch’s tactics were honorable, so she decided to stand up for her man.

The first question that came to mind after hearing this story was, Kurt Busch has a girlfriend??? Really? You sure she’s not one of those Winston girls that gets paid to stand around the track and shill cigarettes?

This is the same Kurt Busch who had to pin his ears back in the off-season because he was losing a tenth of second per lap because of the drag.

"That just shows her professionalism," Busch said of Biffle’s woman after the race. No, no, no Kurt, you’re the one who has to pay your woman to be there. That makes your girl the professional.

One order of tongue please, but hold the MSG

2006-04-10T23:23:00.000-07:00

We thought you hired us to distract
people from the lousy hockey?

Courtney Prince gets to have in day after all. Two years after the fun boys at Madison Square Garden got their groove on, Prince gets to air her grievances with MSG and their band of Gene Simmons wanna-bes. Prince, a former New York Rangers City Skaters cheerleader filed a sexual discrimination lawsuit against MSG alleging comments and conduct that are "insulting, demeaning and objectifying and could be considered severe by a reasonable employee."

She said she was fired in January 2004 after she was accused of "disparaging" members of management by calling them sexual predators. All of this after an MSG employee tried to stick his tongue down Prince’s throat. Apparently this guy thought it was the perfect way to indicate that he was ready to par-tay!

The claims go on to tell how the employee hand picked her for sex…before telling her he was ready to have sex with all of the cheerleaders. She said Garden executives required the cheerleaders to stuff their bras and be sexually alluring.

MSG officials deny any wrongdoing, citing that they “didn’t get any!”

“How were we supposed to know she was frigid?,” said another official. “We thought that whole ice routine thing was part of the act!”

Sunday Roundup

2006-04-09T20:00:00.000-07:00

• At the rate he's going, Alfonso Soriano will have been traded by every team in Major League Baseball by the time he's 30.

• Dwight Gooden will now have one year to score as much cocaine as he wants.

• After that takedown / body-slam of Shay Doron in the NCAA Women's Final, we'd say that Mistie Williams has a future in the WWF

• How many of you lept out of your chairs when you heard that Duke's head coach had resigned, only to come back to earth after figuring out it was the lacrosse coach?

• If California star Leon Powe learned anything in college, he'll go from being Powe to Not-Powe by jumping into the NBA draft.

• No-mo No-mar. At least not for a while.

• Tiger Woods looked as green as the jacket he had to slip on his arch-enemy's shoulders.

Welcom to Guwahati - "Ass I Am"

2006-04-09T18:10:00.000-07:00

All this time we thought cricket was one of those ultra-civil sports, played by gentlemen who broke for tea and biscuits. So much for that vision. Indian police in Guwahati were forced to fire tear gas at spectators, after a riot broke out at the stadium where England and India were supposed to play the fifth of seven one-day matches.

Heavy rains made the field conditions unplayable, but that wasn’t good enough for the hoards of fans who were ready to see their countrymen take on the Brits. Indian fans tore down fencing surrounding the stadium and started fires, and attacked policemen.

Guwahati is located in India’s northeast province of Assam. Fans left the province is an”I” short of its new slogan, “Ass I Am”.

Hooliganos Italianos

2006-04-09T12:45:00.000-07:00

Those nutty Italians don’t really tolerate mediocrity. At least not “fans” of the Inter Milan football team. A bad of alleged supporters attacked Inter Milan players at Malpensa Airport in Milan on early Sunday morning after the team’s elimination from the Champions League.

Inter was returning home after defeating Ascoli 2-1 in a league game on Saturday night. The win keep Inter in the hunt for second place in Serie A and an automatic qualification for next season's Champions League.

Midfielder Cristiano Zanetti was roughed up, resulting in a bruised dome. Two police officers who attempted to fend off the attackers were also injured. The attackers wore masks in the assault.

Philadeliphia Eagles fans were being rounded up half a world away for questioning. Ok, we made that last part up, but you weren’t surprised to read it!

One Nasty Hockey Hit

2006-04-07T23:17:00.000-07:00

Our friends at YouTube made this one available to us (and you, tube).

Around the Horn

2006-04-07T23:07:00.000-07:00

• As far as American professional teams go, there are three positions: midfielder, Fiery Spaniard and Determined Croatian. [BlogCritics]
• FIFA considers action over air strike [JPost]
• Meet Brigid -- student, model and, yes, pro football player [SICNN]
• Scaldin Balls [The Mirror]

Get That Mess Outta Here

2006-04-07T22:51:00.000-07:00

You gotta hand it to the Germans, because they nailed this one. The German Basketball Federation banned players Tamien Trent and Michael Moten, both Americans, for nine months after they tested positive for marijuana. Forget the fact that these two clowns were busted for pot, but recognize the fact that the GBF has some teeth and they’re not afraid to show it.

The transgressions of the two players were caught in a random drug test following a game of February 11th for , WALTER Tigers Tuebingen. They were both suspended four days later and have subsequently been released by the team.

"I hope that this ruling will have a deterrent effect," Wolfgang Hilgert, chairman of the federation's anti-doping commission, said Friday.

Could you imagine a similar policy in the NBA? It would certainly benefit teams like those in the GBF, because half the NBA would suspended and released by the All Star Break. Rasheed Wallace may as well toss those aspirations of someday playing in Germnay.

When did Geraldo start working for NBC?

2006-04-06T01:07:00.000-07:00

Come one, come all.
Targets is targets!

If NBC had any aspirations of extending its television contract with NASCAR, they may have shot themselves in the foot. The network’s “Dateline” television program confirmed that it had intentionally sent Muslim-looking men to last weekend’s race at Martinsville, Virginia along with a film crew to record spectator reaction to the presence of the men.

"It is outrageous that a news organization of NBC's stature would stoop to the level of going out to create news instead of reporting news," NASCAR spokesman Ramsey Poston said. "Any legitimate journalist in America should be embarrassed by this stunt. The obvious intent by NBC was to evoke reaction, and we are confident our fans won't take the bait," he said.

Recording events as they happen is great journalism. Making up events in order to record them is downright assinine.

None of the men were bothered at the event, which left the crew will little to do. Surprisingly the show’s producer’s didn’t think to have the men start burning Confederate flags in the stands. That may have raised an eyebrow or two.

Even the Ku Klux Klan was embarrassed by the stunt.

“Hell, we don’t lynch people in broad daylight!” said an unidentified Klan spokesman.

More Dastardly Duke Deeds

2006-04-06T01:04:00.000-07:00

The Duke lacrosse incident continued to spiral out of control on Wednesday when authorities unsealed documents that reveal a sordid email which was allegedly sent by one of the Duke players. The email was apparently sent less than two hours after the rape of a stripper at a house near the Duke campus.

The email is said to have included an eerie message regarding the plans of one player.

"I plan on killing the bitches as soon as the(y) walk in and proceeding to cut their skin off," the author wrote, adding in vulgar terms that he would find the act sexually satisfying. The author then signed the email with his jersey number.

The genius probably also didn’t realize that there is a “From” line on most emails. Yeah, use your jersey number. That’ll fool em. The bonehead author is reported to have attended one of the "Take Back the Night" marches on campus on March 29. We’re thinking he may have misunderstood the purpose of the march.

The effects of the email’s release were swift. Lacrosse coach Mike Pressler resigned within hours and the remainder of Duke’s season was cancelled. An internal probe into the university's response to alleged violence by athletes was also commissioned by Duke President Richard H. Brodhead.

Family Guy (for the most part)

2006-04-04T23:03:00.000-07:00

ESPN debuts its new reality series / sad marketing ploy “Baroid on Baroid” on Tuesday. The docu-ganda interviews the Giant outfielder on a variety of subjects, including Baroids lackluster playoff record (which started in high school at Serra High School in San Mateo, California) to steroids.

At one point in the show, Baroid breaks down and cries (wait until Gary Sheffield hear's about this!) when describing how he doesn’t care if the media and public break him, so long as he’s there to stand up for his family. Baroid put on a masterful performance, with eyes watering on queue and his voice crackling (wonder if the Grand Jury got a taste of his acting ability?).

It was a perfect exhibition of emotion except for this next part. His screenwriters may have their work cut out for them for the next episode after the Oakland Tribune published a report on Tuesday, telling the tale of Bonds aunt, Rosie Bonds Kreidler. Apparently Aunt Rosie who has been living out of a car for the past year after a car wreck left her unable to work. Without a job, Aunt Rosie can't pay the bills.

So the big sobbing family man tries showing the public a softer side, thumping his chest about how he’s there for his family, while his father’s sister is passing the days in a junked car? Isn't Baroid worth a few bucks?

She says she hasn’t asked him for assistance because she’s embarrassed to ask, but the point here is that big man is supposedly looking out for his family. Guess not. Baroid declined to comment on the story, which means we’ll get the staged response in a few weeks, via his new marketing buddy, ESPN.

Pads Fans Needle BtS

2006-04-03T23:01:00.000-07:00

San Diego is known for its sun, beaches and laid back lifestyle, not its sense of humor. That is until Monday when a sharp witted Petco Park spectator flipped a plastic syringe at Baroid the Steroid during the opening day game between the San Francisco Giants and the San Diego Padres.

The syringe was comprised solely of the plastic barrel and plunger, and did not contain a needle (which would have been not so funny). To Baroid’s dismay, the barrel was empty, so that meant no freebie for the big guy.

Not surprisingly, Baroid shrugged it off after the game. What did you expect, a tirade? Imagine what stadium occupants outside of Balcoville would start hurling if he reacted with any venom. The bad guy in the black (and orange) hat knows he’s the bad guy now. He was booed every time he came to bat.

Our favorite sign of the day was simply a placard comprised of a single character. The character being a bold faced asterisk, which symbolizes the biggest bold faced lie in professional sports history.

Sunday Roundup

2006-04-02T18:00:00.000-07:00

• Randy Moss' agent Dante DiTrapano was arrested for the second time this month in Florida. This time for not showing up to a hearing stemming from his March 14th arrest on crack cocaine charges. What's more amazing is that Moss has remained a choir boy for the last year.

• ESPN reported Pedro Gomez learns this week that Barry Bonds is suspected of using steroids. Vows to "get right on the story."

• How can you tell it's Spring? Easy. Kerry Wood, Mark Prior and Ryan Klesko are all on the D.L.

• George Mason's band played "Livin on a Prayer" for the last time on Saturday.

• Speaking of George Mason, Jim Larranaga your 15 minutes are up.

• Big Baby may want to work on his post up game this summer.

• If Joakim Noah's professional basketball aspirations don't pan out, he can team up with pop Yanic and form a Milli Vanili cover band.

Dodge This Punk

2006-03-31T22:12:00.000-08:00

This wouldn't have happened
if you were wearing protection
like this

David M. Boudreaux, a youth minister in Liberty, Missouri was charged with one count of third degree assault after he allegedly pushed a 16-year-old boy to the ground, then kicked the kid in the nards. All of this during a dodgeball game at the Crescent Lake Christian Academy.

Boudreaux was miffed that the teen plunked him in the head with the ball during the game. The kid tried to apologize but the minister would have none of it and went all White Goodman on the kid.

Court records indicated that the teen suffered whiplash and post-concussion syndrome and had blood in his urine. Jeanne D. Hewitt, administrator of Crescent Lake Christian Academy, said Boudreaux had been placed on administrative leave.

Putting the Wild in Wildcats

2006-03-31T21:09:00.000-08:00

They’re not the Duke lacrosse team, but the girls from Chico State softball can party with the best of them. They’ll have nothing but time to party, now that the remainder of the their season has been cancelled by school officials for actions that led to an alcohol overdose by a 17-year-old recruit who was visiting the campus.

The overdosee is a high school student who was visiting the campus with her father to checkout the program and meet with the coach and team. Some of the players from the team were hosting a party and decided to drag the recruit along.

The next morning, pops was checking her out of the Enloe Medical Center. She was reported to be lethargic and unresponsive after boozing it up at the party.

The team will forfeit the remaining 20 games on their schedule, and the 12 players who attended the party have been barred from the team. The school has had its share of alcohol induced badness over the years, including two deaths associated with excessive drinking.

A Bad Day to be Kris Benson

2006-03-31T01:17:00.000-08:00

More proof the Orioles
can't win for losing

The Baltimore Oriole ticket department must feel like they just had the rug pulled out from under them. After landing a sure fire way to sell tickets with the acquisition of pitcher Kris Benson, the hurler’s marketing quotient just went belly up after Benson’s wife Anna filed for divorce on Thursday in Atlanta.

The Orioles are just going to have to scrap the “Business Person’s Special --Complete with Lap Dance” idea. The vivacious model and “actress” (the term is used loosely in some circles) kept us all on pins and needles with her saucy postings on annabenson.net, which included details on her sex life with her now ex-husband.

Looks like she’s off to pursue her career as a poker magnate, which has become even more cool than baseball (damn you ESPN!). The real question is, what will happen to the dogs? We’re thinking Kris gets to keep Lou Lou.

"We got Kris Benson for a reason: to solidify the starting rotation," manager Sam Perlozzo said. "He doesn't have to be the best in the world, but he has to hold up his end of the bargain, and we feel he will."

…so long as he finds another hot wife real fast.

Personal Foul: Illegal Use of Hands, Feet, Arms...

2006-03-29T21:29:00.000-08:00

Strip searches can't
be far behind

The No Fun League announced plans to crack down on the Terrell Owens’, Chad Johnson’s, and any other over exuberant player next season with new rules limiting end zone demonstrations following touchdowns. Crappy officiating be damned, there will be no nonsense after driving the pigskin to the promise land.

The move is simply baffling. With all of the problems exposed during last season’s playoffs, the NFL’s merry band of nit-wit owners decides to implement this? No props (ala T.O.’s sharpie, or Johnson’s pylon putter), but spiking, dunking or spinning the ball or allowed.

Can you imagine the discussion these 32 senile old bats had in trying to figure out what was permitted and what wasn’t?

Rickety Owner A: “I think we should limit this kind of stuff to the classics, like the Billy ‘White Shoes’ Johnson dance. You know. Good clean wholesome stuff that families can connect with.”

Stodgy Owner B: “Here here. By the way, I’d like to nominate Joe Buck to replace Tagliabue. He’s squeaky clean and did you hear him rip Moss for mooning the Lambeau crowd?”

Bumpkin Owner C: “I second the nomination. I’d also like to see another two inches lopped off cheerleader uniforms this season. Sex sells boys!”

Remaining owners roar in approval, followed by high 5’s (which are permitted in the end zone next season)

These buffoons should be handing out penalties to the opposing team based on the creativity of end zone celebrations, not the other way around.

Fine Day for a Fine

2006-03-29T01:03:00.000-08:00

Yo Ray, does the bottom
of my sneaker smell funny to you?

We got to thinking about big time sports in America and the rash of fines that seem to be passed out like candy these days. On Tuesday alone we had:

Udonis Halsem receiving a $5,000 fine for removing his jersey before leaving the court after he was ejected

Spurs forward Bruce Bowen assessed a $10,000 fine for kicking Ray Allen last Sunday

NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon slapped with a $10,000 fine for shoving Matt Kenseth after the race at Bristol last weekend (Gordon never took his helmet off, so his fine should have been doubled for tarnishing the fine NASCAR reputation…good ole boys don’t fight with helmets on!)

Prorate $25,000 a day in player and team fines over the course of the year, and you’re looking at over $9 million a year. Heck with that kind of coin, you could practically stamp out world hunger. If Sally Struthers is telling the truth and it really does take 36 cents to feed a starving kid a day, we’ve just fed almost 70 thousand kids a day for an entire year.

Ron Artest could feed half the eastern seaboard all by himself.

Forget this business about sticking that money into league player emergency funds. Heck, if you’re a pro athlete, and you’re drawing a multi-million dollar salary, you should have no right to any emergency funds. Give it to the kids.

Blue (Ball) Devils on the Hot Seat

2006-03-27T22:01:00.000-08:00

Duke University is renowned for its basketball program, its business school, and now for its band of rapist lacrosse players. What the Fuqua is up with that? Well, according to Durham authorities, a North Carolina Central University student who doubles as an exotic dancer claims that she and another dancer were hired on March 14th for a “small bachelor party”. They soon found themselves surrounded by dozens of men at a house in the Duke campus.

The dancer said she was dragged into a bathroom, where she was raped and beaten. Durham police have yet to make any arrests, but they did collect DNA specimens from 46 players from Duke’s lacrosse team.

"I think the students would be well advised to come forward. They have chosen not to," Duke provost Peter Lange said.

Several players have retained lawyers and aren’t saying a word to anyone. The school has taken action by forfeiting two games (vs Georgetown and Mount St Mary’s). Seems like a fitting punishment doesn’t it? It’s a good thing they didn’t kill her, or the school may have taken their meal money as well.

Sunday Roundup

2006-03-26T22:50:00.000-08:00

• Tigers pitcher Kenny Rogers agreed to anger management courses in a deal with prosecutors in order to avoid jail time. Cameras were not allowed in the courtroom for obvious reasons.

• Who was the bigger Big Baby this week? LSU's Glenn Davis, Gonzaga's Adam Morrison or Duke's J.J. Reddick?

• (Former) Boston Bruins General Manager Mike O'Connell was rewarded for his charity work this season with a set of walking papers. Problem was, his type of charity meant giving away stars like Joe Thornton and Sergai Samsanov.

• In order to prove to the world that he's reformed and changed his ways, Terrell Owens released a new rap this week, which makes amends with "all those haters."

• Last Thursday may have been the greatest day of college basketball ever. Unless of course you're an alum of Gonzaga, Duke, West Virginia or Bradley.

• Jeremy Roenick broke his ankle in a game against the Nashville Predators on Saturday. No, it had nothing to do with sticking his foot into his mouth.

• Even Jimmy Johnson's 30th place finish at Bristol wasn't punishment enough for crew chief Chad Knaus, who returned to NASCAR on Sunday after a four race suspension for cheating.

• Why is that every time that scrutiny over steroids begins to fill the media, Barry Bonds gets hurt. Now the Giants cheater has a strained elbow. Wonder if he'll miss all of 2006 with this ailment?

• Who is the biggest loser in the NBA? Nope, not the Charlotte Hornets. Sounds like Portland Trailblazers owner Paul Allen takes that distinction.

• Only in the ABA can you eject a coach and a team...from the league.

As the Roid Turns

2006-03-25T22:42:00.000-08:00

Just when you think things couldn’t get any more entertaining in the whole Baroid the Steroid soap opera, his band of lawyers decides to finally take some legal action on the whole Game of Shadows deal. Problem is the claims are about as weighty as a Baroids claims that he’s innocent. Federal Judge James Warren agrees, so he tossed a request for a restraining order on the release of the book.

Baroids attorneys didn’t make big enough fools of themselves with the restraining order request, so they also decided to send a letter Friday to U.S. District Judge Susan Illston demanding that the writers (Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams) and publishers (Gotham Books) be held liable.

"The true victim is not Barry Bonds, but the sanctity and integrity of the grand jury process," attorney Alison Berry Wilkinson wrote.

The first question we’d like answered is, how many cereal box tops did Miss Berry Wilkinson have to send in to get her law degree?

Gotham spokesperson Lisa Johnson fired back at Dewey, Cheetum & Howe with a response on behalf of the publisher.

"We at Gotham Books are shocked that Barry Bonds would take such a foolish step," she said. "Any respected First Amendment lawyer in America knows that his claim is nonsense."

Ouch.

A Blue Day in St Loo

2006-03-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

Kiss it goodbye. The streak is done. After 25 years, the longest active playoff appearance streak for a major North American sports team ended on Thursday night, when the St Louis hacked up a 7-2 loss to the Calgary Flames. The loss officially eliminated the Blues from post season consideration after an incredible quarter century run.

Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing for Dave Checketts, the head of Sports Capital Partners, who announced ironically, that he was buying the Blues from Bill and Nancy Laurie. He’s getting a doormat franchise for the bargain basement price of $140 million (compare that to Manny Ramirez’s last contract).

He also acquires a team absent of any star power. After a fire sale that started at the end of last season, the Blues have shed the likes of Chris Pronger and Doug Weight. Only Keith “Refrigerator” Tkachuk remains.

Have Glove, Will Travel

2006-03-22T23:37:00.000-08:00

So you play softball eh? If you can hit and want to pick up a little pocket money, then head on over to the great state of Florida, because they’re looking for some ringers. At least the state Corrections Department may be, after having to fire their last one.

It seems one Mark Guerra, a former minor leaguer, was on the state jailers payroll to provide some type of work at a Florida prison library. Guerra was really accepting a paycheck in exchange for his softball services in a tournament held last May by Corrections Secretary Jim Crosby.

The State Attorney General announced that Guerra agreed to repay $1,400 and complete 50 hours of community service after being charged with accepting checks for bogus work. Crosby was fired by Governor Jeb Bush last month.

No Fouls League

2006-03-22T21:35:00.000-08:00

Hallelujah! Someone's
finally gonna
set us straight!

So maybe NFL owners aren’t as old and senile as we all think they are. No, they’re forcing out all the old and senile on-field officials, but they are attempting to take steps in the right direction. The league is looking into change how games are officiated, and may modify how several existing infractions are called.

Flinches by wide receivers, as an example, may be overlooked by linesman, if the flinch has no barring on the play. There were 850 fall start penalties called during the regular season, so the rule could speed up games and omit some of those suck-the-momentum-out-of-a-drive calls.

He most interesting infraction the league intends to address is the holding call.

Atlanta general manager Rich McKay, co-chairman of the league's competition committee provided huge insight into some of the cutting edge philosophies the league is taking toward holding calls in the future.

"We want to make sure they (the officials) actually see the foul," McKay said.

Uh, so how was this rule interpreted before?

Rule 175.c Holding: If you think that one guy (the alleged grabber) is grabbing another guy (the grabee), OR if one guy plays for a team that you hated as a kid is within 10 feet of your favorite team, the alleged grabber shall be assessed a 10-yard penalty for holding. If the infraction is committed during a nationally televised game, 17 seconds should also mysteriously disappear from the game clock.

Peace, Love & Soccer

2006-03-21T08:17:00.000-08:00

And they say American football is blood sport? Can’t wait for the World Cup…

• In Sofia, Bulgaria, a Liverpool fan had his 15-year sentence for attempted murder upheld by the Bulgarian Supreme Court of Appeal. On July 26 19-year-old Michael Shields, was jailed for 15 years for the attempted murder of Martin Georgiev, a bartender, by hitting him on the head with a nine-pound cobblestone as he tried to end a drunken street brawl.

• In a statement published by Italian daily Repubblica, the memeber of AS Roma's notorious ultras hooligan group claims neo-Nazis across Europe met in Braunau in Austria to plan attacks against supporters from Islamic countries during the World Cup in Germany from June 9 to July 9.

• Liverpool striker Djibril Cisse got a little sensitive during a game vs. Newcastle last week. After scoring on a penalty shot, Cisse pulled his shirt over his head, revealing a message to his wife and new son. As Newcastle fans began to taunt him, the Liverpool striker sent a less than polite gesture to Newcastle fans.

• Pietro Allatta turned himself in to police late Monday after authorities issued an arrest warrant last week. After hours of questioning, the investigating judge decided to arrest Allatta and charge him with forgery and making threats. All of this in connection with the recent allegations of Belgian match fixing.

Sunday Roundup

2006-03-19T23:43:00.000-08:00

• With Cuba advancing to the World Baseball Classic’s Championship game, there’s one more reason the U.S should invade the tiny Caribbean nation. Liberate all those fantastic baseball players, so we don’t have to endure the likes of Al Leiter for 19 years.

• After Rio de Janeiro police battled with pro soccer players on the field over the weekend on live television, the mystery of Rodney King’s whereabouts have been solved.

• Another brilliant move by Bud Selig. In order to promote Major League Baseball, he’ll have all of two major league players in the WBC final.

Michael Chiklis can't
hold a jock compared
to the real commish

• Selig also says that he has yet to determine if there will be an investigation into allegations of steroid use by Baroid the Steroid. Unless Selig can resurrect Kenesaw Mountain Landis to run the investigation, anything else will be as fraudulent as Baroid is.

• Shame on you North Carolina, Pittsburgh, Iowa, Tennessee, and Ohio State. Shame on any of you who picked them to make it past the second round.

• We felt sorry for Drew Bledsoe when Tom Brady led “his” Patriots to a Super Bowl Championship. Now we just flat out pity the guy, having to lead the biggest fool in football in the huddle.

• Speaking of the fool, there’s only room for one sheriff in Dallas, so T.O. or the Tuna will be gone by the end of the 2006 NFL season.

• They booted a guy from the Iditerod this week for going too slow. Don’t the dogs determine how fast the team travels?

• 86-year-old Red Sox great Johnny Pesky broke his leg b a line drive at a college game, which means the Sox have no choice but to play Alex Gonzalez at shortstop this season.

• After he pulled a gun on a bunch of teen aged kids, did it surprise you to hear that Marcus Vick scored lower than Vince Young on the Wonderlic test?

Jerry Jones Has Gone Mad

2006-03-18T22:22:00.000-08:00

Hiring Barry Switzer
just became the
second dumbest thing
Jerry Jones has done

America’s team is about to become America’s punch line. Could Jerry Jones’ plastic surgery have affected his ability to think rationally? After signing Terrible Terrell Owens to a three year contract that even suggests “record money” for a wide receiver, Jones surgically enhanced scalp is either tugging on the logic section of his brain, or he’s gone mad.

In either case, Jones has always done thing his own way, so this stunt will surely arm us with more content down the road than we’re even able to fathom at this point in time. T.O. was made for Jones and vice versa.

What will be interesting is how Owens answers questions about his shenanigans in Dallas a few seasons back, when he desecrated the Dallas star at Texas Stadium when he played for the 49ers? The worst part of this signing is that Satan himself, Drew Rosenhaus, will be permitted to speak in front of America’s television cameras once again. Any face time that this clown receives is time we all lose in our lives.

We’re going to beat the Vegas odds-makers to the punch by setting our own over and under on the number of games it will take before Owens pisses off Dallas fans. Take the under 18 ½ on this one folks. That’s between games 2 and 3 of the 2007 NFL season for those of you who need us to spell it out for you (you don’t really think Dallas is getting anywhere near a playoff spot do you?).

Where’s George Teague and Emmitt Smith when you really need them?

The Prodigal Son Returns

2006-03-17T20:26:00.000-08:00

Ron Artest (aka M.C. Pugilist) made his return to Market Square Arena in Indianapolis on Friday night, to a chorus of boos. And after all he’s done for the fine folks of Indiana. You’d think the guy was a criminal or something. Artest received more boos then the Detroit Pistons on their last return to the Pacers crib, but then again he did abandon his team, teammates and fans when he decided to go Rocky Balboa on those Pistons fans last season.

"If there was a fight between the fans who loved me or booed me, I think the boos would have won," Artest said after his Kings lost 98 – 93 to the Pacers.

Artest’s partner in fisticuffs, Stephen Jackson, stuck up for his boy.

"I just told Ron he shouldn't feel bad," Jackson said. "They boo me, and I play here. I don't think it bothered him. If they'll boo me, they'll boo anybody."

You’d think with a reception like that, Artest would have done everything in his power to shut the crowd up. Well, not everything. That one solution didn’t work out so well for his in Detroit. His shooting certainly wasn’t there, so it was the Pacer faithful who got the last shot in on this night.

You'll take 1% and like it

2006-03-15T20:39:00.000-08:00

"Hey Dante, why you foaming
at the mouth down on
the ground like that?"

Randy Moss hasn’t exactly been a Boy Scout, but it may be time to start shifting some of the blame on his environment. First there was that whole sex cruise thing perpetrated by all his ex-teammates, now word from St Petersburg, FL comes that Moss’ agent, Dante DiTrapano, was busted on Wednesday for possession of crack cocaine.

This is the agent for one of the highest paid players in the NFL and this guys is dancing with crack? Moss must be one kick-ass negotiator if he talked the guy’s commission down to the point that he can only afford crack. Randy, you the man!

DiTrapano and his wife, Teri, were arrested at a St Pete hotel after police were called to deal with a disturbance.

"I'm sticking by my friend and I'll support him and his family as he gets help battling his problem," Moss said through DiTrapano’s office.

Wonder if Moss will be called to defend DiTrapano’s character?

That's Not Amore

2006-03-15T20:30:00.000-08:00

International soccer and the World Cup have been synonymous with competition, camaraderie and national pride. You can add life threatening to list of adjectives. Just ask the three British soccer fans that were stabbed in Rome on Wednesday by rival fans. The Italian cops are saying that the violence was caused by “organized gangs of locals”.

Things got testy after about 200 fans of England’s Middlesbrough Football Club were drinking in Campo de’Fiori before the UEFA Cup game against AS Roma. A gang of Italians started throwing fire crackers, bottles and chairs at the Brits. Things turned nasty when knives were thrown into the mix. 13 Brits were treated and discharged, but a 39-year-old man required surgery after being stabbed in the chest and back.

So much for the Torino love-fest eh. Of course, it would be unlike British soccer fans to cause trouble.

"The vast majority of the Middlesbrough supporters that were there were what we would describe as good, normal, shirt-wearing supporters of Middlesbrough not hooligans, not people known for trouble," Superintendent Steve Swales of Cleveland police told reporters.

Ah, these were peace lovin’ British soccer fans. So for the uneducated, there’s no need to defend yourself if the British troublemaker you’re fending off is wearing a shirt.

Baroid's Boss Emerges from the "Shadows"

2006-03-14T22:12:00.000-08:00

Baroid forced to go
incognito in order to score
his juice now that Greg
Anderson is in the pokey

San Francisco Giants owner Peter Magowan told reporters on Tuesday that the organization will “celebrate appropriately”, should Baroid the Steroid pass Babe Ruth on the all time home run list. We’re not quite sure what that means, but we’re guessing that free syringes will be mixed in there somehow.

Magowan and team president Larry Baer have taken the low road during Baroid’s excellent adventure last week, after allegations of rampant steroid use were published in Sports Illustrated. They emerged on Tuesday to get the cash cow rolling once again.

"It's certainly not going to go unnoticed or uncommemorated," Baer said. "He's our player and it would be a tremendous accomplishment. We don't have a hold on what we're going to do. It won't be silence."

Translation: This is a fantastic money making opportunity for the San Francisco Giants and the guy that signs my paychecks. It would be foolish of us not to squeeze as much as we can out of the homers* who fork over the green year after year, even though we've yet to win a World Championship in the 5 decades that we've been in San Francisco.

* Editor’s Note: The term “homer” is used to describe the Giants fans who are unwilling to recognize a cheat when they see one, not the drug induced round trippers that have been sailing into McCovey Cove the past five years.

Old School

2006-03-14T22:03:00.000-08:00

It’s retro bad boy day here at WC, courtesy of former New York Met Dwight Gooden. Doc was arrested on Tuesday after admitting to his probation officer that he had used cocaine. Why Gooden would volunteer this information is beyond us, unless the big dummy walked into his probation meeting looking like had just feasted on powdered doughnuts.

The 1985 Cy Young Award winner was required to conduct regular chats with the parole officer as part of his punishment for fleeing a DUI traffic stop in 2005. He was sentenced to three years probation for that infraction.

Gooden’s arrest just brings back all those great Met memories, doesn’t it? Now all we need is Darryl Strawberry knocking off a liquor store & Lenny Dykstra shooting himself up with some foreign substance, and we have ourselves a party.

Only in America

2006-03-14T00:24:00.000-08:00

No really, how much
is this going to cost me?

Leave it to Don King to have a street named in his honor…in a town that he’s banished from. Atlantic City officials unveiled “Don King Plaza” on the Boardwalk at Mississippi Avenue on Monday, even though King is not permitted to promote fights in any Atlantic City casino, because of his refusal to deal with casino regulators.

King doesn’t have a license to promote fights in Atlantic City, because he refuses to answer questions about former IBF chairman Bob W. Lee, who was convicted of money laundering, tax evasion and racketeering in 2001.

King was honored for his charitable contributions to the city. City officials were quick to point out that King’s charity, includes turkey giveaways to the poor. What, you were thinking charitable cash donations to city officials perhaps?

"It is a momentous occasion, and one I'm humbly grateful for, to be honored in such a way," said King.

Kind of devalues the word “honored”, doesn’t it.

Sunday Roundup

2006-03-12T21:43:00.000-08:00

• Now that Edgerrin James has a new $30 million contract, does that mean he can get the rest of his teeth gold plated?

• Baroid the Steroid hits his first home run of the spring, prompting speculation that he may be on the juice.

• Lute Olson really dropped the hammer when he suspended Hasan Adams for the entire (Pac 10) tournament.

You do realize
you're about to High-5
a guy named Stubby Clapp

• Canadian outfielder Adam Stern returned to the Boston Red Sox this weekend after his heroics over Team USA in the World Baseball Classic. Time to wake up Adam. You’re still a farmhand.

• The New York Islanders dressing room at Nassau Coliseum was flooded when a sewage pipe broke this week. It was the first time in 20 years that something other than the Islanders were stinking up the joint.

• The Twins honored Kirby Puckett during a Metrodome memorial service by laying his jersey out in center field and requiring all female attendees to be escorted to the restroom.

• Leave it to Curt Schilling to blame the batter, after beaning Pittsburgh Pirate center fielder Chris Duffy.

• After spending an extra two weeks to keep extra dollars out of the players hands, NFL owners sure are forking it over in free agency like it’s candy.

• The Baltimore Ravens made jailhouse contingencies at running back by signing Mike Anderson.

• The Cincinnati Bear Cats landed the tournament #1 seed that they coveted all season. Problem is, it’s an NIT bid.

• From the “What took you so long?” file: The Montreal Canadiens had 35 years to retire Bernie “Boom Boom” Geoffrion’s number, but they waited until the day he died to get it done.

• Brazil’s Renoldo called Pele a “two-bob opportunist”. Which immediately led us to pray that this is some childish spat over who got to peck for apples first.

• Get over it Jim Nance and Billy Packer. The brackets have been set. It’s time for March Madness!

This Bull is a Bear

2006-03-10T00:09:00.000-08:00

The team that nobody watches
now owned by the beverage
that nobody drinks

The New York / New Jersey MetroStars are no more. At least in name. The team was purchased by Red Bull Co. Ltd., and promptly renamed “Red Bull New York”. And yes, your instincts are correct, it is a stupid name. So stupid in fact, that the MLS is going to call it something else. When you check your MLS standings (all three of you) in the morning, you’ll need to scan for the New York Red Bulls.

We will give the MLS credit, because at least they're consistent. This makes them 2-for-2 in the asinine franchise renaming department this year. The “Houston 1836” lasted all but a month, before succumbing to public pressure to change the name.

The announcement was made by Red Bull GM, Alexi Lalas, who will now be referred to as the "Red Hippie".

Wonder if this latest moniker madness is going to tick off fans of “Sammy the Bull” Gravano. Sammy has a lot of friends in Hoboken you'z know (also home of Red Bull Co. Ltd.)

It’s all a bunch of bull if you ask us.

Bungles Forever More

2006-03-10T00:08:00.000-08:00

Cincinnati Bengals president Mike Brown doesn’t like the new NFL labor agreement, citing a tilt in benefits to players and large market teams. The Bengals and Buffalo Bills were the only two teams to vote against the new deal on Wednesday.

"I would have preferred at this time no deal," Brown said. "That doesn't mean we wouldn't have continued on. We have a contract for two more years when we made this deal. I would have wanted to bargain for a better deal in the future."

So just as Brown’s Bengals start to emerge from two decades of mediocrity, he wants to put the skids on the game so that his owner can squeeze out a few more bucks? That’s just brilliant. The Bengals finally shed their Bungles moniker as players like Carson Palmer and Chad Johnson emerge as legitimate NFL caliber players, he wants to stifle their progress.

There’s a reason the Bungles have been the Bungles for so long, and this guys appears to be carrying the torch and keeping it burning bright. It’s too bad the league doesn’t have franchise revocation rules written into the NFL by-laws for stupidity.

Ready? OK!

2006-03-08T21:43:00.000-08:00

Cheer-gate could
paralyze sports

Effective immediately, the American Association of Cheerleading Coaches and Administrators have recommended college conferences bar basket tosses and high pyramids without a mat. It took us a moment to get over the shock…that there is an American Association of Cheerleading Coaches and Administrators. The first question that came to mind was, what exactly does a Cheerleading Administrator do? But we digress.

The ban comes on the heels of Southern Illinois cheerleader Kristi Yamaoka’s dome dinging fall off a human pyramid last weekend during a nationally televised basketball game. The 18-year-old sophomore had a concussion and cracked vertebra in her neck, but she did what any decent cheerleader would do. She continued to cheer while strapped to a backboard.

"It'd be an unwise move for a coach or others to go against the committee," Jim Lord, the cheerleading group's executive director, said Wednesday.

The veiled threat just sounds ominous, doesn’t it? That didn’t stop SIU's cheerleading coach, Jennifer Graeff from sounding off (sound off!).

"Other coaches are angry, saying this is ridiculous," she said. "If a basketball player dunks and breaks an ankle, are they going to say you can't dunk?"

When was the last time a basketball player broke his neck dunking?

Sea Cruise

2006-03-08T21:28:00.000-08:00

Could a Dante Culpepper – Randy Moss reunion be in the works? It’s possible. Culpepper emailed the media on Wednesday to tell them that he has asked the Vikings to either trade him or release him. Apparently en email is what started the whole tirade. Said email was sent to Culpepper by the Vikings, but Dante wouldn’t divulge what the email was all about.

"However, because of the fundamental differences I have with management regarding the approach to my personal and professional life, I think it is the best business decision for both parties to go our separate ways," Culpepper said.

So the Vikings may be cornered into dealing one of the highest paid sea faring quarterbacks in the league. Culpepper is likely to demand that a deal be struck with one of several teams that are physically located close to large bodies of water (ole Dante has a thing for big boats you see). The Oakland Coliseum is a stone’s throw from the San Francisco Bay.

Other potential suitors include the Miami Dolphins, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, San Diego Chargers and perhaps even the Green Bay Packers or Chicago Bears (both are based on the shores of Lake Michigan). Miami and Tampa would seem the most likely target, since the weather can accommodate boat parties year round.

Fraud

2006-03-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

Does this mean there
won't be any cake?

Stop the presses, Barry Bonds used steroids! San Francisco Chronicle reporters Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams will publish a book entitled “Game of Shadows”, which is reported to do what every person on the planet already knew – that Bonds is a roid junkie and a fraud.

The two authors claim that Baroid the Steroid used a variety of substances which were provided in several forms. Bonds is reported to have introduced performance enhancing substances in just about every way, shape or form. He injected himself with a syringe, took injections from former trainer Greg Anderson, ingested pills, put liquid drops under his tongue and rubbing cream on his skin.

An excerpt of the book appears in the March 13 issue of Sports Illustrated. SI also dedicated the cover of the issue to the story, which seems fitting as the start of the 2006 season approaches. Bonds is just 6 home runs shy of catching Babe Ruth and 47 shy of Hank Aarons all time mark, and baseball simply wasn’t prepared to deal with this scandal. The book forces the subject.

The amusing part is that Baroid thought he could take a year off and let the whole scandal fade away, so that he could enjoy the accolades of breaking the greatest record in baseball. The timing of the book’s release may save baseball from one of the biggest shams of all time, assuming MLB does something about it.

Surprisingly, MLB.com actually ran a story on their website, albeit buried in the “News” section of the site. Every other sports media site has the story front and center. Only time will tell if Bud Selig and MLB has the stones to do the right thing and kick Baroid out of the league and wipe all his personal stats from the record books.

Dan Wetzel of Yahoo Sports writes one of the best editorials on the subject. An excerpt of the book can be found on SI.com

The Second Coming of Napoleon Fails to Conquer the Brits

2006-03-07T00:23:00.000-08:00

Hey there's always
the Icelandic Elite League

Canadian hockey ambassador Theo Fleury still has the old touch. The little hellion managed to get himself kicked out of the British Elite League for good last weekend after trying to light the lamp by using an officials head as the goal. Fleury has already had his share of drama in jolly old England. The latest twist of 'As Theo Turns' started when Fluery took a two minute minor while skating for the Belfast Giants last Saturday.

Fleury was upset with the call and refused to skate to the penalty box, for which referee Mike Hicks added a 10-minute misconduct. After the opposing Basingstoke Bison scored an empty-net goal, Fleury fished the puck out of the net, then fired it at Hicks’ head.

Hicks tacked on another misconduct penalty and then the former Calgary Flames Oompa Loompa went berserk, threatening Hicks. A match penalty ensued, followed by an invitation to not let the door hit him in the backside as he exists the league. League officials made it clear that Fleury will, "not to return to this league ever again."

Next stop, Canadian beer leagues. Or has he been banned from those already as well?

Sunday Funnies

2006-03-05T22:36:00.000-08:00

• Vijay Singh is too tired to play golf, so he’s pulling out of the Honda Classic, and will most likely miss the Bay Hill Invitational. While the rest of the world works for the day when they can quit working to play golf everyday, Singh does the exact opposite.

March Badness

• U of Arizona guard Hassan Adams was arrested on Sunday morning for suspicion of driving under the influence. Adams had a blood-alcohol level of 0.121, which is over the legal limit in Arizona of .08. Adams will be disciplined by Lute Olson after the upcoming NCAA tournament.

• The Raiders waived QB Kerry Collins on Sunday, sort of. They had planned to file waive papers with the league, but since the NFL and NFLPA can’t get their act together, the start of NFL free agency has been pushed back to Thursday. That leaves the Raiders with a few days to figure out their cap issues. We’re still trying to figure out who gets the better end of the deal should Collins actually be waived.

• So it looks like it wasn’t George Steinbrenner’s who ordered a sign apologizing for the absence of several Yankees be hung at the Yankees spring training home at Legends Field in Tampa. The sign, which read, “The New York Yankess”, misspelling the team name, was intended to apologize for some other New York team that was supposed to appear at the site. "If it was his (Steinbrenner) sign, he wouldn't have spelled Yankees wrong," Yankees spokesman Howard Rubenstein said.

• The Chelsea football club from the English Premier League got a fine Spanish welcme as they arrived for their Champions League game with Barcelona on Sunday. Barcelona fans hucked spit wads at Chelsea’s bus as it prepared to depart from the airport. How come you never see that kind of stuff in travel brochures?

Pokey's Deal Smells Fishy

2006-03-05T21:15:00.000-08:00

"Say goodbye Pokey"

The Florida Marlins finally decided to play hardball with AWOL shortstop Pokey Reese, by releasing him. It took the Marlins three days to figure out that the veteran infielder wasn’t coming back to camp, so they gave him the boot.

"We're moving on," Marlins general manager Larry Beinfest said. "We think that the 72 hours that have passed was more than a reasonable amount of time for him to offer some sort of explanation for his unexcused absence. We still do not have that explanation and we're moving on. He will not be with the Marlins in '06."

Odd. Pokey and everyone else on the planet knows why Pokey decided to head for the hills. As GM, you’d think that Beinfest already knows that the Marlins are the worst team in baseball. After his fire sale the past two seasons, why would anyone want to play for the fish?

Even mediocre players like Reese want to believe that they have a shot at winning, but the Double-A roster the Marlins intend to field this season doesn’t provide much optimism.

Vorld Cup Clampdown

2006-03-04T12:39:00.000-08:00

If you shelled out the big bucks for World Cup tickets this summer, don’t bother bringing your camcorder. The German organizing committee which is hosting the 2006 World Cup has banned all camcorders from games. Your memories will have to documented via still photography or the old coconut.

Fans who disregard the ban will be stopped at the gates and forced to turn them over. Hopefully you’ll get to keep your gold teeth and jewelry. Confetti and toilet paper are also on the banned items list.

“You vill not be allowed to celebrate goals, tackles or wictories at zee Vorld Cup in Deustchland zis summa,” said an unidentified organizer. “You vill be required to remain stone faced as all good Arians have done srue out zee centuries.”

You can add big bags, ruck sacks and suitcases as items not likely to make it past the gates.

How to Host an Olympics on $30 a Day

2006-03-03T21:33:00.000-08:00

Do over! That’s what a majority of the International Olympic Committee is thinking in regards to their vote to allow Beijing to host the 2008 Summer Olympics. Now that a Chinese parliament member is screaming that China had better not put on any extravagant games and blow a wad of money in the process.

"The organizers of the event should exert all efforts to present the best-ever games to the world with the minimum amount of expenditure," Zhang Guiyu, one of the 3,000 delegates to the National People's Congress (NPC), was quoted as saying by the state Xinhua news agency.
"There are still many people living under the poverty line, especially in the countryside. We cannot afford an extravagant event," added the entrepreneur from Shandong province.

Yo Zhang, you couldn’t think of that before you submitted the bid to host the Olympics. Were you not watching the Italians kick ass extravaganza? Did you think that all that pomp & circumstance was going to conjure itself out of thin air.

Oh, this is China we’re talking about. Where the conjuring is supposed to be done at the expense of the slave labor force otherwise known as “the population.”

Imagine if you’re an athlete and this is your one shot at the Olympic experience…and you get to go to the thrifty games. The Olympics are about extravagance, capitalism, all things oh so not-communist. Hopefully the IOC is taking notes.

Play World Chumps March Madness Game

2006-03-02T20:40:00.000-08:00

It's March Madness time! Show your prowess for bracketology by playing in our NCAA Men's Tournament game on ESPN Fantasy Sports. Simply sign up at:

http://games.espn.go.com/tcmen/groupinfo?groupID=309
Join Group: "World Chumps" (no password is required)

This is a free game. Only 50 entries allowed in this group, so sign up early. Picks must be locked by the start of the tourney on the morning of March 16th.

Wheelchair Tennis Spins Out of Control

2006-03-02T20:23:00.000-08:00

"Maybe Chad Knaus can help"

First Barry Bonds’ American Idol lunacy and now this. Ilanit Fridman, a wheelchair tennis player from Israel has been suspended one month after testing positive for a banned substance. Yes, that was a wheelchair tennis player testing positive for a banned substance.

Fridman was caught with terbutaline in his system at the U.S. Open Wheelchair Tennis Championships on Oct. 5 in San Diego, the International Tennis Federation said Thursday. The suspension was limited to a month because a tribunal found no intent to use the drug to enhance performance, which would have carried a two-year ban.

Uh, just so we’re clear here. The guy got caught with this banned substance in his body, but the officials figured out that he wasn’t intentionally trying to cheat. Alright then.

American wheelchair player David Buck received a little longer suspension after he tested positive for pot. The same tribunal determined that Buck was not really trying to get high.

Will they play at the Big L-A-A?

2006-03-02T20:20:00.000-08:00

A judge rejected a request Thursday by the city of Anaheim to force the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim to change their name back to the Anaheim Angels.

O.C. Superior Court Judge Peter J. Polos broke the bad news to the City of Anaheim when he ruled that he had no authority to reverse the ruling of a jury that three weeks ago decided in the team's favor. That jury decided that the Angels didn't breach a contract with the city when owner Arte Moreno changed their name in January 2005.

"In this case, the jury found no wrongdoing, so in my view you don't get to damages and you don't get to an injunction," Polos said.

After ruling was announced, the Kansas City Royals filed to have their name changed to the "Nu York Yankies".

Bombs Away

2006-03-01T23:25:00.000-08:00

If you thought Super Bowl XL was the bomb, you’re not alone. Somebody was so worked up they decided to suggest that a bomb was planted in the theater where several Pittsburgh Steeler players were assembled for a screening of a new DVD which featured the NFL’s last title game. Several players were evacuated from the Loews Cineplex at the Waterfront in Homestead, Pa.

Police said that an anonymous call to 911 tipped authorities of the supposed explosive. The caller had a male voice, which immediately places suspicion on half of the earth’s human population. Leading the pack of suspects is Mike Holmgren and Payton Manning. Both have telling motives: they lost the chance to hoist the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger dropped a bomb of his own at the premier when he told reporters that he, “hoped the DVD had a good ending.” Unfortunately for him, the bomb scare means Big Ben will have to wait to find out how the video ends.

Drag Bunting

2006-03-01T00:58:00.000-08:00

"That ain't William Hung"

My oh my, where to begin with this one. Baroid the Steroid has officially gone nuts. Roids will do that to you ya know. Baroid appeared at the San Francisco Giants spring training facility dressed in drag in an attempt to impersonate Paula Abdul during a rookie hazing ritual.

Um, who was hazing who? And more importantly, why didn’t Baroid choose to be Randy Jackson or Simon Cowell (lord knows they have the same attitudinal approach to life). Maybe because Baroid already had the breasts to fill out the costume?

The hat was a nice touch, but where on earth can we score one of those SF Giant muumuus for the Paula Abduls in our lives?

Raging Bol

2006-02-28T01:03:00.000-08:00

"Reach Advantage: Bol"

From the “what’s the point?” file, comes news that former NBA player Manute Bol and his wife have been arrested after a fight at their West Hartford home. Bol, 45, and his 27-year-old wife, Ajok Kuag, were charged with disorderly conduct Sunday.

Now for the good part.

Both were arrested after they showed up at the police station together to file complaints against each other! A verbal exchange turned physical, although neither appeared injured. We’re thinking ‘Nute pulled one of those Little Rascal moves by holding Kuag’s forehead with his six-foot arm, while she flailed away at him.

Wonder how you say “Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck” in Sudanese?

Did he get to keep the ball?

2006-02-28T01:00:00.000-08:00

Kevin Garnett was fined $5,000 on Monday for throwing a ball into the stands during a game against the Memphis Grizzlies on Sunday, but that may just be the icing on Garnett’s wallet. The ball apparently hit a fan in the face, although it did not appear to be lofted with much velocity.

The fan asked to be removed from the arena via a stretcher, which was acknowledged by the rest of the fans in attendance with a chorus of boos. No charges were filed against Garnett, but a civil suit may be in the making.

Where’s Ron Artest when you really need him?

"I'd like to apologize once again to the fan and his family involved in yesterday's incident at the Target Center," Garnett said. "It was never my intent to injure anyone. I have the deepest respect for the fans of the NBA and the Minnesota Timberwolves."

Oh, and he loves his money too. Unfortunately for him, so may the leech that he hit.

The Run and Shoot is Big in Texas

2006-02-27T19:58:00.000-08:00

An East Texas jury on Monday found Jeff Doyal Robertson guilty of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon in the shooting of a high school football coach. Robertson, a heating and air conditioning repairman, shot Gary Joe Kinne in April. Robertson's son played on the Canton' high school freshmen football team along with Kinne's son, who was the quarterback.

Robertson called Kinne out of his office, before critically injuring him with a gun blast. Robertson faces a prison sentence of two to 20 years.

Apparently, Robertson wanted to see more use of the shotgun in Kinne's offense.

Embarrassment of Olympic Proportions

2006-02-26T19:49:00.000-08:00

"Throwing back a shooter"

While the rest of the world may remember the Torino games for their sportsmanship and grandeur, Americans will remember these games as one of the biggest flops in Team USA history. Never before were so many U.S. athletes hyped prior to the games, only to fall flat on their faces.

In snowboardcrosser Lindsey Jacobellis’ case, that’s exactly what she did. Fell on her face. Figure skater Sasha Cohen did the inverse and fell on her keester. Michelle Kwan never even competed after exposing the fact that she never should have been there in the first place. Johnny Weir was a flowery bust.

Moguls skier Jeremy Bloom failed to live up to his hype. Apolo Anton Ohno, while earning three medals, showed that he was second fiddle to the Koreans and that his Gold Medal in Salt Lake was indeed a gift.

The biggest pre-games favorite / post-games bust had to be alpine skier Bode Miller and his teammate Daron Rahlves. Miller was so busy soaking up the Olympic experience that he forgot to compete. He made up for it with a gold medal partying performance. Aerialist, Jeret Peterson got into a drunken fist fight at a bus stop, resulting in an early departure from the games.

"We take full responsibility for any unpleasant episodes," US Olympic Committee chief executive Jim Scherr said. "We need to do a better job at making (US athletes) understand how what they do affects the whole team and the country."

Peterson and Miller were downright embarrassments for Team USA.

No Canada!

2006-02-23T22:25:00.000-08:00

So the Great One wants to take the fall for Team Canada’s woes at the Torino Olympics does he? That would be too easy, and rather convenient given his personal woes the past two weeks. He proved that even a gambling scandal can’t tarnish his bullet proof reputation, so why not take the blame for a horrendous performance by the Canadians this week.

"I take full responsibility," said Gretzky. "It's nobody else's fault. I will reassess what's best for me and for Hockey Canada. I want to win gold at the Vancouver Games in 2010.

Well, it actually is someone else’s fault. You can start with each and every player on the Canadian roster. What should have been a shoe in for the gold medal turned into the worst performance by a Canadian team in 26 years.

Guys like Todd Bertuzzi and Chris Pronger were stale holdovers from past Canadian glory, supplanting up and coming stars like Sydney Crosby and Eric Staal. It’s time for some house cleaning, so Gretzky should skip the self deprecating criticisms, because nobody is buying that story either.

Baroid the Steroid Calls It Quits

2006-02-19T17:35:00.000-08:00

"Time lapsed photo
of Baroid two seasons
after retirement"

Baroid the Steroid announced on Sunday that the 2006 Major Leagu Baseball season will be his last. Good riddance! Baroid can join Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Raphael Palmiero on the all juiced team, then fade into oblivion.

Baroid said that he would retire regardless of if he catches Hank Aaron’s 755 home runs for the all-time record or not. Here’s hoping he doesn’t tarnish the great American pastime anymore than he already has.

MLB should honor Baroid by placing asterisks next to all of his career stats to call out just how "special" they really are.

Your Daily Olympic Scandal Update

2006-02-19T17:25:00.000-08:00

• The banned Austrian ski coach at the center of a doping investigation at the Turin Olympics crashed his car into a police roadblock Sunday evening after leading authorities on a bizarre chase. The zaniness started when Mayer pulled over to the side of the road and took a nap in his car. A suspicious local resident called the cops. When the heat arrived to wake him up, Mayer sped away, striking and slightly injuring an officer. Mayer has had a tough week. Italian police seized blood analysis equipment during raids on the Austrian skiing compound earlier this week, where they found syringes, vials of distilled water, asthma medication and other substances. One Austrian athlete threw a bag out of a window containing needles and medicines, and Mayer apparently left the scene in a minivan.

• The U.S. men’s hockey team continued their experiment to see if sleeping pills enhance athletic performance in their game against Sweden on Sunday. Results continue to indicate that they do not. The U.S. lost 2-1, falling to 1-2-1 in pool play.

• Apolo Anton Ohno continued his mediocre performance in Turin, further supporting South Korea’s claim that his gold medal win in Salt Lake City was a sham. Ohno lost to Hyun-Soo Ahn (gold) and Ho-suk Lee (silver) in the men’s 1000m short track speed skating event on Sunday.

• Alpine skier has yet to fuse his lips together, against advice from a majority of Americans. That means that we’ll all be forced to listen to his excuses for his failures in all three Olympic events thus far and how he “doesn’t really care about medals anyway.”

It Does Pay to Cheat

2006-02-19T17:08:00.000-08:00

NASCAR took a huge step backwards on Sunday when Jimmy Johnson and his Hendrick Motorsports car won the Daytona 500. Johnson’s car was modified illegally during qualifying for the Nextel Cup’s Super Bowl of races, but rather than kick Johnson and his car out of the race, NASCAR sanctioned the team by disallowing crew chief Chad Knaus from participating in the event.

In a sport that has grown wildly in popularity in the United States, big money is still the name of the game. In this case, NASCAR wouldn’t dare take any appropriate action against a team that is sponsored by Lowe’s, the national home improvement chain.

So heaven knows what Johnson’s team did to stretch the rules during the race. The fact of the matter is, Johnson’s team cheated and got caught. But rather than take action that had any teeth, Mike Helton and the money grubbers at NASCAR rolled over.

Helton even had the gall to say that NASCAR took this kind of behavior very seriously and that an appropriate punishment would be handed down. Mikey should shut up and get back to his banjo and ‘shine.

He Seemed Like Such a Nice Felon

2006-02-18T18:59:00.000-08:00

"Father / Son
Day at Comisky"

Cook County Judge Leo Holt should be thrown in the clink. The untra-compassionate Holt was the judge that allowed William Ligue Jr. to walk with a 30-month probation sentence after he and his then 15-year old son pummeled Kansas City Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa back in 2003 after the pair stormed the field.

At the time, Holt ruled that the sentence, “should not be viewed as a pass, or a slap on the wrist" because Ligue will have to live with the stigma of being a convicted felon.

That stigma has sure kept scumbags like Ligue out of hot water. The senior beater landed back in jail on Friday after Associate Judge Joseph M. Claps ruled that Ligue violated his parole after he was charged with breaking into a car in a Chicago suburb. In April of 2004.

The length of Ligue’s jail stay will be determined on March 10th. He will receive his sentence for the car burglary on February 21st. Gamboa suffered minor hearing loss in the attack, but apparently knocking someone deaf holds no penalty in Chicago.

Funny Meeting You Here

2006-02-17T21:19:00.000-08:00

"You can call me
Inspector Clouseau"

We knew that Albert Belle’s on-field antics were signs of sheer stupidity, but his post-baseball civilian life shenanigans are making up for lost time. Belle was arrested in Scottsdale, Arizona on Thursday for stalking his ex-girlfriend. Of course when you make millions in the major leagues, you stalk with the assistance of hi-tech gadgetry like a global positioning device.

Belle admitted to placing the GPS device in her car, after it was discovered by her. The unnamed woman told investigators that Belle "had been showing up everywhere she went (the store, on dates, the gym, etc.).”

When confronted with accusations of planting the device, he denied it, but on February 3rd, he left a message on her voicemail apologizing for “doing all that tracking stuff.” He followed up his admission with another message, threatening the woman.

We’re starting to think this guy’s head might be corked (you may recall that he was busted for corking his bat in ’94).

When asked to comment on his arrest, Belle responded by saying, "you didn't write a story about my Hall of Fame induction. You guys never report the good stuff that I do."

The HOF induction he was referring to is the Louisiana Sports Hall of Fame, of which he was inducted last year. We’re not even sure that HOF exists anymore, so does the induction still count?

Stylin ain't so Golden

2006-02-17T09:55:00.000-08:00

"Guess who gave away the gold?"

In the true spirit of the Olympic Games, snowboardcross rider Lindsey Jacobellis was rewarded for her performance on Friday with a silver medal. We call it a reward, because Jacobellis should have been handed the first plane ticket out of Italy for pulling off one of the biggest blunders in Olympic history. Leading the women’s snowboardcross final by a lengthy margin, Jacobellis decided to showboat on one of the last jumps, but she biffed.

The mistake cost her the gold medal, which went to Switzerland’s Tanja Frieden, who slipped past the fallen in disbelief as the American scrambled to get back into the race. Jacobellis had such a huge lead that she managed to get back up and still beat the eventual bronze medalist, Canadian Dominique Maltais.

U.S. coach Peter Foley and the throngs of supporter also couldn’t believe what they were seeing.

"She definitely styled that a little too hard," he said.

Foley calls it “stying”, the host Italians call is “stupido”. After being featured predominantly in a Visa commercial leading up to the games, we’re wondering if the credit card company is going to ask for a refund?

Weir(d) Way to Lose a Medal

2006-02-16T23:50:00.000-08:00

The biggest mouth at the Turin Olympics had few words for his lackluster performance on Thursday after missing the bus to the event of all things. But for Johnny Weir, the “prettiest flower on the ice” was all dried up after choking away a 2nd place start. Weir got his bus schedules crossed up and missed his transportation from the Olympic village to the rink.

After flapping his gums all week on topics ranging from triple Lutz’s to conservative America’s uncomfortable take on his “floweriness”, Weir stuck both skates in his mouth after the pulling off one of the biggest gaffs in Olympic history.

After whining about the lack of room service in his room and the “dust on the floor”, Weir failed to get the message that bus scheduled were altered to run every 30 minutes, rather than the 10 minute gaps he had expected.

"It was never brought to my attention it would be changed," Weir said. "I guess it's my fault because I didn't bother to ask."

"I learned I definitely want to stay in a hotel," he added.

Might we suggest he take advantage of the wake up calls while he’s there.

Ay Carumba!

2006-02-15T21:09:00.000-08:00

"Hey that's not Pancho Villa!"

The Houston 1836 (formerly the San Jose Earthquakes), appears to have a little PR situation on their hands and they haven’t played a second of soccer in Texas yet. It seems that the name, a tribute to the year Houston was founded, isn’t a big hit with the Hispanic demographic.

What’s the big you ask? Well, the Hispanic demographic is something the team had hoped to win over. Texas has a large Hispanic population, so the picking should be easy right? Well, not when the founding of Houston itself rekindles the fact that Texas seceded from Mexico.

The fact that the 1836 also incorporates the image of Sam Houston into the team logo doesn’t sit well with many Mexicans. Houston’s defeat of Santa Ana still chaps some hides, but the marketing department of the recently relocated franchise forgot Marketing 101: never piss off a demographic with your brand.

Hump Day Odds & Ends

2006-02-15T21:04:00.000-08:00

• The Portland Trail Blazers fined guard Sebastian Telfair on Wednesday after a loaded gun was found on the team's private jet at Boston's Logan Airport. Telfair claimed that he inadvertently picked up a bag belonging to his girlfriend. The handgun was found in a pillowcase belonging to Telfair as the team plane was being prepared for a flight from Boston to Toronto, the team said in a statement.

"Make it a double"

• Oklahoma State basketball coach Eddie Sutton acknowledged Wednesday night that he drank alcohol after taking medication for chronic back pain shortly before he was involved in a car accident. The 69-year-old Sutton, who announced Monday that he would take a medical leave of absence, said that during his leave, he would seek treatment for alcohol.

• A dog that won an award of merit at the recently concluded Westminster Kennel Club show escaped from its cage at John F. Kennedy International Airport on Wednesday and was believed to be on the loose in the surrounding area. Bohem C'est La Vie, a whippet, made its jail break at noon and had not been seen since/.

• Miami Dolphins tackle Damion McIntosh was arrested Wednesday on a charge of domestic violence against his wife at their home, police said. Precious McIntosh was treated at a hospital and released. Her husband was booked into the Broward County Jail. The 6-foot-4, 320-pound McIntosh started all 16 games for the Dolphins at left tackle last season.

Let's all go bloody curling

2006-02-14T00:10:00.000-08:00

The Olympics are all about controversy, but the latest one is filled with intrigue at every bend, or curl in this case. It seems that the ice in the Olympic Curling tournament is not providing enough curve. In Curling lingo, it’s not “swingy” enough.

Furthermore, some of the games top players are worried that, get this, the tournament will be “boring” if the ice controversy keeps up. Enter Swedish ice master Leif Ohman, who is being held accountable by the “athletes” (oh how we use that term loosely) to setup the frozen stuff properly. Except that Ohman thinks they can stick their brooms where the sun don’t shine.

"Even if it's straight ice, it's the same for all the teams, they have to deal with it," Ohman said. "And it doesn't have to be boring. It depends on how you play. It's easy to play a boring game."

You can say that again.

Oly broadcast sucks eggs

2006-02-13T23:48:00.000-08:00

"That's gonna leave a mark"

Time to rap about a controversy
Gonna take a stand, wont show no mercy

Through the power of the internet (or the radio for that matter), you may have learned of Lindsey Kildow’s nasty crash in a training run for the women’s downhill event in Torino, but forget trying to find a video clip of the incident. That’s because NBC’s coverage of the event is weaker than Michelle Kwan’s groin apparently.

It should be no surprise then to find out that American’s have already bailed on NBC’s brown paper bag wrapping of the event. The U.S. television audience so far is less than half that of the Salt Lake games. Of course, Salt Lake did have a home field advantage, but still, half the audience?

A lot of folks say jocks shouldn't be
Doin the sports news on TV
I dont wanna hear the latest scores
From broadcasting school bore

Speaking of Kwan, her self imposed withdrawal from the games may be one of the biggest contributors to NBC’s lackluster numbers. Or, you could point to the fact that Americans just aren’t interested in information they’re probably getting from the internet at work twelve hours ahead of time.

So get your scores from a guy like me
Who knows what its like to have a groin injury
Gra..Gra...Groin Injury!

Problem is, that audience would be hard pressed to get any info (like a video clip of Lindow’s fall) on the NBC Olympic website. There is plenty of info however, on choke artists Bode Miller and Daron Rahlves.

Stupid is What Stupid Does

2006-02-11T18:31:00.000-08:00

NASCAR is trying to shed some of its down home image by instilling thinking into the series. At least force teams, drivers and fans to do some thinking about what it takes to qualify for the Daytona 500. The equation requires a Ph.D, although any old doctorate will do.

If a team finished in the top 35 in last year’s Nextel Cup standings, then they automatically get a free pass into this year’s 500. All teams will participate in two lap qualifying runs on Sunday, in which only the top two lock in the top two spots (of 43) on the starting grid.

The remaining fifty-four drivers may then participate in one of two 150-mile qualifying races. The holdover 35 from the previous season and the fast two leftovers from the qualifying races fill out spots 3 through 39.

The fastest remaining drivers from Sunday's time trials will then complete the field -- with one possible exception. The final spot in the field would go to a former Cup champion who doesn't make the lineup on speed or in the qualifying races. The only former champions not among the 35 already guaranteed a starting spot are Bill Elliott (1988) and Terry Labonte (1984, 1996).

Confused? Think about how Roscoe P. Coaltrain and Enos feel.

Let the Real Games Begin

2006-02-09T19:57:00.000-08:00

What do Kikkan Randall & Leif Zimmerman of the United States, Sean Crooks of Canada, Sergey Dolidovich of Belarus, Jean Marc Gaillard of France, Aleksandr Lasutkin of Belarus, Natalia Matveeva of Russia, and Evi Sachenbacher of Germany all have in common? Why they’re the first wave of alleged cheats at the upcoming Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy. All eight cross-country skiers were found to have excessive hemoglobin levels, and as a result were all suspended for five days by the International Ski Federation.

The suspension means that they will be held from competing in the first cross country event, the men’s and women’s pursuit on Sunday. The IOC plans on stepping up drug testing during the games in the hope of deterring any cheating. Yeah, good luck with that.

Sachenbacher won gold in the 2002 Salt Lake City Games in the women's relay, and silver in the women's sprint. She is currently seventh in World Cup rankings.

Is the Great (3 to) One Fibbing?

2006-02-09T19:40:00.000-08:00

Somebody’s got some splain’in to do. Namely one Wayne Gretzky, who told reporters on Tuesday that he had no prior knowledge of any alleged gambling ring. Specifically, any gambling ring that his wife Janet Jones or his coaching assistant Rick Tocchet had anything to do with. The Newark-Star-Ledger would beg to disagree, reporting that Gretzky was caught on a state wiretap talking about the ring.

"The reality is, I'm not involved, I wasn't involved and I'm not going to be involved," Gretzky said Tuesday night. "Am I concerned for both of them (Tocchet and Jones)? Sure there's concern for me. I'm more worried about them than me."

Well start spending a little more time worrying about yourself there Wayne, because the court of public opinion is about to start raining haymakers. Gretzky’s name is about to get dragged through the mud, along with Phoenix Coyotes general manager Mike Barnett, who the Arizona Republic reports is also suspected of placing bets with the ring.

Jones hand picked a carefully crafted statement on Thursday expunging her husband of any involvement, without doing the same for herself.

Cancel the Busch Beer Sponsorship

2006-02-08T23:27:00.000-08:00

"I'm all
ears officer"

NASCAR pinhead Kurt Busch was ordered Wednesday to perform 50 hours of community service as part of a plea agreement over a reckless driving citation he received near Phoenix International Raceway last year.

Busch admitted to speeding, a misdemeanor, following too closely and passing in a no-passing zone. In exchange, the reckless driving charge was dropped. Busch was stopped in November after allegedly running a stop sign while speeding. A police report said the deputy smelled alcohol on Busch, and the driver became belligerent. A breath test showed Busch was far below the legal limit for DUI, revealing what most people already knew (that he's a fool even when he's sober).

A police report indicated that Busch was quoted as saying, "You're only doing this because you're a Jeff Gordon fan."

Hey if you're going to insult a cop, why not go all out and call him a Gordon fan.

I Need Two

2006-02-08T23:21:00.000-08:00

12 people were arrested last weekend on felony charges for selling counterfeit Super Bowl tickets, and 73 bogus tickets were confiscated at the gates, thanks to special scanners that were used to weed out the fakes. 23 other tickets were confiscated by Detroit Police in stings around the city.

Most counterfeit tickets were sold for an average of $1,500 each, even though their face value was $600. From Jan. 30th to Feb. 6th, authorities arrested two people and confiscated 362,355 counterfeit NFL or Super Bowl items from 22 stores.

Now that the value of tickets has exceed the $500 range, the charges get serious.

My Oh My NHL

2006-02-07T21:46:00.000-08:00

You have to wonder how much money is enough. When you’re already on top of the world, living the life of a professional athlete, making millions of dollars a year, what would compel you to be so greedy that you’d start your own gambling ring? Former NHL’er and current Phoenix Coyotoes bench coach Rick Tocchet will have his chance to explain all of that to New Jersey state law enforcement officials on Wednesday.

Tocchet was implicated as the financier of a gambling ring that has processed more than $1.7 million across 1000+ wagers. Reports indicate that 6 to 12 current NHL players have been involved in wagering, along with Janet Jones, the wife of Coyotes head coach Wayne Gretzky. The betting focused mostly on football and basketball, but NHL games were not included in any of the wagers.

An 8-month sting, dubbed “Operation Slapshot” also implicates an NHL owner and another coach, but they have remained nameless to this point. KYW-TV and WCAU-TV of Philadelphia both reported that Los Angeles Kings forward Jeremy Roenick is one of the players believed to have placed bets through the ring.

"Everyone in the world is innocent until proven guilty," Gretzky said. "He's a great guy and a good friend. He's just going through a tough time right now, obviously, and we've got to let it run its course. It's a situation that's obviously a concern for the organization at this point."

Asked about his wife's involvement, Gretzky strained under the camera lights to squeeze out a retort, "Oh really? I don't know. You'd have to ask her that," he said, followed by a contrived laugh.

Never thought we’d see the day when the Great One looked like a cornered sheep.

Looks Can Be Deceiving

2006-02-07T00:23:00.000-08:00

New Florida Marlins manager Joe Girardi announced on Monday that players reporting to Spring Training will have to do so without any facial hair. Copying a page out of Yankee owner George Steinbrenner’s guide to running an oppressive kingdom, Girardi will implement a policy that is even more strict than that of the New York boss.

"I want players to look neat and responsible," Girardi said at a media luncheon Monday. "Maybe it's old school. But it's kind of neat when people are always clean, and I like it."

Girardi’s plan lacks one major thing. The faces behind all that absence of facial hair don’t belong to Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez or any other Bomber. After Florida’s recent fire sale, this smells more like slapping lipstick on a pig.

The Day After

2006-02-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

Points to ponder the day after:

• Apparently a sports hernia affects your ability to flip a coin.

• Our vote for MVP would have gone to the officiating crew, because nobody played a bigger role in Pittsburgh’s victory than they did.

• Seriously though, Hines Ward won that Escalade in a raffle, because nobody else on the field was a clear standout.

• It’s been reported that Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw did not show for the NFL’s pre-game presentation of past Super Bowl MVP’s because the financial compensation wasn’t worth making the trek to Detroit.

• With as many bad calls and breaks against his team, you’d think Mike Holgrem was out there coaching the Raiders.

• For all you conspiracy theorists out there, Sports Illustrated was hawking "Steelers Championship Package" before the game even started. The package came up when you hit the "www.sipittsburghoffer.com" website. If you tried hitting the www.siseattleoffer.com site, the Steelers offer was presented as well.

• The clear winners of the weekend were anyone who managed to score a ticket to the Maxim party. The magazine took out an ad in the Detroit Free Press, recruiting “hot chicks”. The magazine requested photos in advance, but still retained the right to refuse less than “hot chicks” at the door.

SBXL Game Day

2006-02-05T00:57:00.000-08:00

It's game day, so we'll use this entry to post (and update you on SBXL happenings worth mentioning)...

• 6:50 p.m. - Rather fittingly, Jeremy Stevens gets his bell rung on Seattle's last gasp effort to overcome their 11 point deficit. Looks like Punxsutawney Phil was right.

• 5:12 p.m. - Mick Jagger has a wardrobe malfunction at half time, when his face falls off.

• 4:35 p.m. - The NFL hands the Steelers 7 points, even though every person on the planet could see that Ben Roethlisberger never got the football anywhere near the goal line.

• 4:15 p.m. - Ben Roethlisberger commits the game's first turnover, by throwing an interception to Michael Boulware.

• 4:10 p.m. - Detroit's favorite son, Jerome Bettis, finally touches that ball three minutes into the 2nd quarter.

• 1:40 p.m. – The NFL has announced that neither team shall be permitted to cross their own 40 yard-line during warmups, with the exception of special teams players. Apparently the league is trying to keep the teams away from each other in lieu of all the Jeremy Steves - Joey Porter nonsense that has transpired this week.

• 12:20 p.m. – The US Calorie Control Council reports that American will consume 27 billion calories and 1.8 billion grams of fat during the big game today. On the menu -- 11.2 million pounds (five million kilograms) of potato chips (crisps), 8.2 million pounds (3.7 million kilograms) of tortilla chips and 4.3 million pounds (2.9 million kilograms) of pretzels. The average armchair quarterback will munch down 1,200 calories, and 50 grams of fat from snacks alone. This DOES NOT include caloric intake from beer, wine and soda.

• 12:02 p.m. – Still need tickets to the game and you're dumb enough to blow a months salary to go? Plenty remain in the $4000+ range at TicketsNow. Who needs to eat for a month when you can go to the big game?

• 1:27 a.m. – Detroit officials are preparing for a forecast of 4 to 7 inches of snow on Sunday, which begs the question. Why on earth did the NFL decide to hold the Super Bowl in Detroit?

• 12:57 a.m. – Joey Porter has yet to “tap out” and Seahawks. It is of course still, 14 hours until game time.

• 12:24 a.m. – No Pittsburgh or Seattle player has been arrested or kicked off the team for binge drinking thus far.

• 12:01 a.m. - Kyle Smith, a 24 year-old woman from Detroit was shot and killed in a shooting after a “bumping incident” during SBXL festivities in downtown Detroit. An acquaintance of Smith’s was also shot, but was not killed. The lone slaying is far below the over/under of 64 set by bookmakers last week.

SBXL Odds & Ends

2006-02-03T20:46:00.000-08:00

SBXL Odds & Ends
• The SBXL quote of the week: "I'll touch it any chance I get and hope to be able to touch it again." -- Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren talking about, you guessed it, the Super Bowl trophy.

• The FBI searched Seattle Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren's rental car this week -- without incident -- after security officials found the hood ajar and not in the spot where hotel valets had parked it.

• Lest we forget, Franco Harris ended his Steelers career in Seattle in 1984. Wonder who he’ll be rooting for on Sunday?

• Regardless of who you want to win Super Bowl XL, we all win on Sunday night. At the point after the cameras stop rolling we won’t have to listen to Joey Porter flapping his gums for at least six months.

• Oddest proposition bet we’ve seen so far: What will there be more of ? Kanye West Grammy wins or number of touchdowns scored by both teams in Super Bowl XL. Would you believe Kanye West +1.5 Total Grammy Wins is taking even money.