A Derby Sure to Be a Cut Above the Rest

"No seriously, I didn't do it"

Nothing says Kentucky Derby like Mint Juleps in May, but this year’s race may have more of a Bloody Mary feel to it. The Derby’s newest fan, one Orenthal James Simpson, has been slicing up and down the paddock at Churchill Downs this week, soaking up the atmosphere that is the spectacle of the run for the roses.

The Juice has been trying to keep a low profile while in Louisville, but it isn’t as easy as it sounds. Cut off your ex-wife’s head and never live it down. Who knew?

O.J. hasn’t been keeping a low profile when it comes to talking about who he thinks is going to win this year’s Derby. He’s going with Lawyer Ron.

"I love lawyers, I know all about lawyers," he said, mentioning the late Johnnie Cochran in his diatribe to reporters on Thursday.

Oh man that O.J. is a real cut-up isn’t he.

Still, the man can still sound like a lunatic if you give him the opportunity.

"You got better parties here than you do in Miami at the MTV Awards," he said. "It's the No. 1 event of the year. The hip-hop/movie/horse culture is all here."

Hip Hop? Say What?

"It comes down to Kentucky hospitality," he said. "I feel totally comfortable and everybody's great."

Well, except for the 250,000 attendees who wouldn’t spend 30 seconds with you alone for fear of having their throat slashed.

Don't Mess with the Bambino

"OK, this head swelling we can explain."

The Babe sent a message on Wednesday night. That message came in the form of a batting practice foul ball that nailed Barry Bonds right between the eyes...through the BP net. The message was clear as day. "Break my record through lies and deception and I will take offense." In fact, the Bambino may not even let it happen.

Bonds was nailed by a foul ball off the bat of San Francisco Giants rookie infielder Kevin Frandsen. Bonds was standing behind the protective batting practice netting, but he was close enough that the ball caused Bonds to yelp after taking one off the dome. He sprawled out on the turf for several minutes while trainers attended to him.

Bonds trails Babe Ruth by two career home runs, but will be catch the Bambino? The message from the grave was probably just a warning. Because Babe Ruth didn’t do anything half assed you see. So if Bonds knows what’s good for him, he’ll quit now.

Why even bother continue one of the most tainted records in professional sports? Major League Baseball has already snubbed Bonds, saying they won’t sanction any celebration to honor Bonds should he break Ruth’s 714 home run mark. The league has also indicated that it will not certify any ball that is involved in a 714 or 715 Bonds home run.

IT was no coincidence that Bonds was injured in Milwaukee, home of the Brewers. Ruth was a notorious drinker, so the renegade baseball surely didn’t find its way to Bonds coconut by accident. The message was loud and clear.

Trifecta Tuesday

• Los Angeles Lakers center Kwame Brown is being investigated for a sexual assault, which allegedly occurred following the Lakers Game 3 victory on Saturday night. No charges have been filed and Brown played in L.A.’s 114-97 loss to the Suns on Tuesday night. Lakers head coach is re-examining his team mantra, “Be like Kobe.”

• Tampa Bay Devil Rays farmhand Matt Rico was suspended for 100 games on Tuesday after testing positive for drugs. The Devil Rays were ecstatic, because now they have more roster room for upcoming 1st overall draft picks.

• Several Seattle Mariners pulled a fast one on manager Mike Hargrove, when they asked to join a nationwide labor boycott in support of immigrant rights. Mariners fans were left asking themselves if the entire team had planned on making an appearance anytime this season.

Like Father, Like Son

Why isn't he doing something honrable, like freezing his father's head?

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. At least not when the tree is named Pete Rose. Rose’s sone, Pete Rose Jr., was sentenced Monday to one month in prison and five months of home detention for distributing a steroid to his Chattanooga Lookouts teammates. The 36-year old Rose has floundered in the minor leagues his entire career, hoping to mimic the notoriety that his father achieved as a baseball player/

He couldn’t do it with his baseball skills, so he turned to the next best thing, a baseball scandal.

"I made a mistake and hurt a lot of people," Rose said outside the courthouse after the sentencing. "The judge is great. He was very generous and I can't thank him enough. He doesn't have to worry about me doing anything like this again," Rose said.

Given that Rose probably won't be allowed anywhere near a baseball clubhouse, the chances of his becoming a repeat offender seem pretty slim.

The 36-year-old Rose pleaded guilty Nov. 7 to distributing the steroid alternative GBL. Rose faced up to two years in the clink and a $1 million fine. Like his father, he also will not be landing in the Baseball Hall of Fame anytime soon.