The Second Coming of Napoleon Fails to Conquer the Brits

Hey there's always the Icelandic Elite League

Canadian hockey ambassador Theo Fleury still has the old touch. The little hellion managed to get himself kicked out of the British Elite League for good last weekend after trying to light the lamp by using an officials head as the goal. Fleury has already had his share of drama in jolly old England. The latest twist of 'As Theo Turns' started when Fluery took a two minute minor while skating for the Belfast Giants last Saturday.

Fleury was upset with the call and refused to skate to the penalty box, for which referee Mike Hicks added a 10-minute misconduct. After the opposing Basingstoke Bison scored an empty-net goal, Fleury fished the puck out of the net, then fired it at Hicks’ head.

Hicks tacked on another misconduct penalty and then the former Calgary Flames Oompa Loompa went berserk, threatening Hicks. A match penalty ensued, followed by an invitation to not let the door hit him in the backside as he exists the league. League officials made it clear that Fleury will, "not to return to this league ever again."

Next stop, Canadian beer leagues. Or has he been banned from those already as well?

Sunday Funnies

• Vijay Singh is too tired to play golf, so he’s pulling out of the Honda Classic, and will most likely miss the Bay Hill Invitational. While the rest of the world works for the day when they can quit working to play golf everyday, Singh does the exact opposite.

March Badness

• U of Arizona guard Hassan Adams was arrested on Sunday morning for suspicion of driving under the influence. Adams had a blood-alcohol level of 0.121, which is over the legal limit in Arizona of .08. Adams will be disciplined by Lute Olson after the upcoming NCAA tournament.

• The Raiders waived QB Kerry Collins on Sunday, sort of. They had planned to file waive papers with the league, but since the NFL and NFLPA can’t get their act together, the start of NFL free agency has been pushed back to Thursday. That leaves the Raiders with a few days to figure out their cap issues. We’re still trying to figure out who gets the better end of the deal should Collins actually be waived.

• So it looks like it wasn’t George Steinbrenner’s who ordered a sign apologizing for the absence of several Yankees be hung at the Yankees spring training home at Legends Field in Tampa. The sign, which read, “The New York Yankess”, misspelling the team name, was intended to apologize for some other New York team that was supposed to appear at the site. "If it was his (Steinbrenner) sign, he wouldn't have spelled Yankees wrong," Yankees spokesman Howard Rubenstein said.

• The Chelsea football club from the English Premier League got a fine Spanish welcme as they arrived for their Champions League game with Barcelona on Sunday. Barcelona fans hucked spit wads at Chelsea’s bus as it prepared to depart from the airport. How come you never see that kind of stuff in travel brochures?

Pokey's Deal Smells Fishy

"Say goodbye Pokey"

The Florida Marlins finally decided to play hardball with AWOL shortstop Pokey Reese, by releasing him. It took the Marlins three days to figure out that the veteran infielder wasn’t coming back to camp, so they gave him the boot.

"We're moving on," Marlins general manager Larry Beinfest said. "We think that the 72 hours that have passed was more than a reasonable amount of time for him to offer some sort of explanation for his unexcused absence. We still do not have that explanation and we're moving on. He will not be with the Marlins in '06."

Odd. Pokey and everyone else on the planet knows why Pokey decided to head for the hills. As GM, you’d think that Beinfest already knows that the Marlins are the worst team in baseball. After his fire sale the past two seasons, why would anyone want to play for the fish?

Even mediocre players like Reese want to believe that they have a shot at winning, but the Double-A roster the Marlins intend to field this season doesn’t provide much optimism.

Vorld Cup Clampdown

If you shelled out the big bucks for World Cup tickets this summer, don’t bother bringing your camcorder. The German organizing committee which is hosting the 2006 World Cup has banned all camcorders from games. Your memories will have to documented via still photography or the old coconut.

Fans who disregard the ban will be stopped at the gates and forced to turn them over. Hopefully you’ll get to keep your gold teeth and jewelry. Confetti and toilet paper are also on the banned items list.

“You vill not be allowed to celebrate goals, tackles or wictories at zee Vorld Cup in Deustchland zis summa,” said an unidentified organizer. “You vill be required to remain stone faced as all good Arians have done srue out zee centuries.”

You can add big bags, ruck sacks and suitcases as items not likely to make it past the gates.

How to Host an Olympics on $30 a Day

Do over! That’s what a majority of the International Olympic Committee is thinking in regards to their vote to allow Beijing to host the 2008 Summer Olympics. Now that a Chinese parliament member is screaming that China had better not put on any extravagant games and blow a wad of money in the process.

"The organizers of the event should exert all efforts to present the best-ever games to the world with the minimum amount of expenditure," Zhang Guiyu, one of the 3,000 delegates to the National People's Congress (NPC), was quoted as saying by the state Xinhua news agency.
"There are still many people living under the poverty line, especially in the countryside. We cannot afford an extravagant event," added the entrepreneur from Shandong province.

Yo Zhang, you couldn’t think of that before you submitted the bid to host the Olympics. Were you not watching the Italians kick ass extravaganza? Did you think that all that pomp & circumstance was going to conjure itself out of thin air.

Oh, this is China we’re talking about. Where the conjuring is supposed to be done at the expense of the slave labor force otherwise known as “the population.”

Imagine if you’re an athlete and this is your one shot at the Olympic experience…and you get to go to the thrifty games. The Olympics are about extravagance, capitalism, all things oh so not-communist. Hopefully the IOC is taking notes.

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Wheelchair Tennis Spins Out of Control

"Maybe Chad Knaus can help"

First Barry Bonds’ American Idol lunacy and now this. Ilanit Fridman, a wheelchair tennis player from Israel has been suspended one month after testing positive for a banned substance. Yes, that was a wheelchair tennis player testing positive for a banned substance.

Fridman was caught with terbutaline in his system at the U.S. Open Wheelchair Tennis Championships on Oct. 5 in San Diego, the International Tennis Federation said Thursday. The suspension was limited to a month because a tribunal found no intent to use the drug to enhance performance, which would have carried a two-year ban.

Uh, just so we’re clear here. The guy got caught with this banned substance in his body, but the officials figured out that he wasn’t intentionally trying to cheat. Alright then.

American wheelchair player David Buck received a little longer suspension after he tested positive for pot. The same tribunal determined that Buck was not really trying to get high.

Will they play at the Big L-A-A?

A judge rejected a request Thursday by the city of Anaheim to force the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim to change their name back to the Anaheim Angels.

O.C. Superior Court Judge Peter J. Polos broke the bad news to the City of Anaheim when he ruled that he had no authority to reverse the ruling of a jury that three weeks ago decided in the team's favor. That jury decided that the Angels didn't breach a contract with the city when owner Arte Moreno changed their name in January 2005.

"In this case, the jury found no wrongdoing, so in my view you don't get to damages and you don't get to an injunction," Polos said.

After ruling was announced, the Kansas City Royals filed to have their name changed to the "Nu York Yankies".

Bombs Away

If you thought Super Bowl XL was the bomb, you’re not alone. Somebody was so worked up they decided to suggest that a bomb was planted in the theater where several Pittsburgh Steeler players were assembled for a screening of a new DVD which featured the NFL’s last title game. Several players were evacuated from the Loews Cineplex at the Waterfront in Homestead, Pa.

Police said that an anonymous call to 911 tipped authorities of the supposed explosive. The caller had a male voice, which immediately places suspicion on half of the earth’s human population. Leading the pack of suspects is Mike Holmgren and Payton Manning. Both have telling motives: they lost the chance to hoist the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger dropped a bomb of his own at the premier when he told reporters that he, “hoped the DVD had a good ending.” Unfortunately for him, the bomb scare means Big Ben will have to wait to find out how the video ends.

Drag Bunting

"That ain't William Hung"

My oh my, where to begin with this one. Baroid the Steroid has officially gone nuts. Roids will do that to you ya know. Baroid appeared at the San Francisco Giants spring training facility dressed in drag in an attempt to impersonate Paula Abdul during a rookie hazing ritual.

Um, who was hazing who? And more importantly, why didn’t Baroid choose to be Randy Jackson or Simon Cowell (lord knows they have the same attitudinal approach to life). Maybe because Baroid already had the breasts to fill out the costume?

The hat was a nice touch, but where on earth can we score one of those SF Giant muumuus for the Paula Abduls in our lives?