Friday, March 31, 2006

Dodge This Punk

Dodge This
This wouldn't have happened
if you were wearing protection
like this
David M. Boudreaux, a youth minister in Liberty, Missouri was charged with one count of third degree assault after he allegedly pushed a 16-year-old boy to the ground, then kicked the kid in the nards. All of this during a dodgeball game at the Crescent Lake Christian Academy.

Boudreaux was miffed that the teen plunked him in the head with the ball during the game. The kid tried to apologize but the minister would have none of it and went all White Goodman on the kid.

Court records indicated that the teen suffered whiplash and post-concussion syndrome and had blood in his urine. Jeanne D. Hewitt, administrator of Crescent Lake Christian Academy, said Boudreaux had been placed on administrative leave.

Putting the Wild in Wildcats

They’re not the Duke lacrosse team, but the girls from Chico State softball can party with the best of them. They’ll have nothing but time to party, now that the remainder of the their season has been cancelled by school officials for actions that led to an alcohol overdose by a 17-year-old recruit who was visiting the campus.

The overdosee is a high school student who was visiting the campus with her father to checkout the program and meet with the coach and team. Some of the players from the team were hosting a party and decided to drag the recruit along.

The next morning, pops was checking her out of the Enloe Medical Center. She was reported to be lethargic and unresponsive after boozing it up at the party.

The team will forfeit the remaining 20 games on their schedule, and the 12 players who attended the party have been barred from the team. The school has had its share of alcohol induced badness over the years, including two deaths associated with excessive drinking.

A Bad Day to be Kris Benson

Anna Benson
More proof the Orioles
can't win for losing
The Baltimore Oriole ticket department must feel like they just had the rug pulled out from under them. After landing a sure fire way to sell tickets with the acquisition of pitcher Kris Benson, the hurler’s marketing quotient just went belly up after Benson’s wife Anna filed for divorce on Thursday in Atlanta.

The Orioles are just going to have to scrap the “Business Person’s Special --Complete with Lap Dance” idea. The vivacious model and “actress” (the term is used loosely in some circles) kept us all on pins and needles with her saucy postings on annabenson.net, which included details on her sex life with her now ex-husband.

Looks like she’s off to pursue her career as a poker magnate, which has become even more cool than baseball (damn you ESPN!). The real question is, what will happen to the dogs? We’re thinking Kris gets to keep Lou Lou.

"We got Kris Benson for a reason: to solidify the starting rotation," manager Sam Perlozzo said. "He doesn't have to be the best in the world, but he has to hold up his end of the bargain, and we feel he will."

…so long as he finds another hot wife real fast.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Personal Foul: Illegal Use of Hands, Feet, Arms...

Chad Johnson
Strip searches can't
be far behind
The No Fun League announced plans to crack down on the Terrell Owens’, Chad Johnson’s, and any other over exuberant player next season with new rules limiting end zone demonstrations following touchdowns. Crappy officiating be damned, there will be no nonsense after driving the pigskin to the promise land.

The move is simply baffling. With all of the problems exposed during last season’s playoffs, the NFL’s merry band of nit-wit owners decides to implement this? No props (ala T.O.’s sharpie, or Johnson’s pylon putter), but spiking, dunking or spinning the ball or allowed.

Can you imagine the discussion these 32 senile old bats had in trying to figure out what was permitted and what wasn’t?

Rickety Owner A: “I think we should limit this kind of stuff to the classics, like the Billy ‘White Shoes’ Johnson dance. You know. Good clean wholesome stuff that families can connect with.”

Stodgy Owner B: “Here here. By the way, I’d like to nominate Joe Buck to replace Tagliabue. He’s squeaky clean and did you hear him rip Moss for mooning the Lambeau crowd?”

Bumpkin Owner C: “I second the nomination. I’d also like to see another two inches lopped off cheerleader uniforms this season. Sex sells boys!”

Remaining owners roar in approval, followed by high 5’s (which are permitted in the end zone next season)

These buffoons should be handing out penalties to the opposing team based on the creativity of end zone celebrations, not the other way around.

Fine Day for a Fine

Bruce Bowen
Yo Ray, does the bottom
of my sneaker smell funny to you?
We got to thinking about big time sports in America and the rash of fines that seem to be passed out like candy these days. On Tuesday alone we had:

Udonis Halsem receiving a $5,000 fine for removing his jersey before leaving the court after he was ejected

Spurs forward Bruce Bowen assessed a $10,000 fine for kicking Ray Allen last Sunday

NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon slapped with a $10,000 fine for shoving Matt Kenseth after the race at Bristol last weekend (Gordon never took his helmet off, so his fine should have been doubled for tarnishing the fine NASCAR reputation…good ole boys don’t fight with helmets on!)

Prorate $25,000 a day in player and team fines over the course of the year, and you’re looking at over $9 million a year. Heck with that kind of coin, you could practically stamp out world hunger. If Sally Struthers is telling the truth and it really does take 36 cents to feed a starving kid a day, we’ve just fed almost 70 thousand kids a day for an entire year.

Ron Artest could feed half the eastern seaboard all by himself.

Forget this business about sticking that money into league player emergency funds. Heck, if you’re a pro athlete, and you’re drawing a multi-million dollar salary, you should have no right to any emergency funds. Give it to the kids.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Blue (Ball) Devils on the Hot Seat

Duke University is renowned for its basketball program, its business school, and now for its band of rapist lacrosse players. What the Fuqua is up with that? Well, according to Durham authorities, a North Carolina Central University student who doubles as an exotic dancer claims that she and another dancer were hired on March 14th for a “small bachelor party”. They soon found themselves surrounded by dozens of men at a house in the Duke campus.

The dancer said she was dragged into a bathroom, where she was raped and beaten. Durham police have yet to make any arrests, but they did collect DNA specimens from 46 players from Duke’s lacrosse team.

"I think the students would be well advised to come forward. They have chosen not to," Duke provost Peter Lange said.

Several players have retained lawyers and aren’t saying a word to anyone. The school has taken action by forfeiting two games (vs Georgetown and Mount St Mary’s). Seems like a fitting punishment doesn’t it? It’s a good thing they didn’t kill her, or the school may have taken their meal money as well.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Sunday Roundup

• Tigers pitcher Kenny Rogers agreed to anger management courses in a deal with prosecutors in order to avoid jail time. Cameras were not allowed in the courtroom for obvious reasons.

• Who was the bigger Big Baby this week? LSU's Glenn Davis, Gonzaga's Adam Morrison or Duke's J.J. Reddick?

• (Former) Boston Bruins General Manager Mike O'Connell was rewarded for his charity work this season with a set of walking papers. Problem was, his type of charity meant giving away stars like Joe Thornton and Sergai Samsanov.

• In order to prove to the world that he's reformed and changed his ways, Terrell Owens released a new rap this week, which makes amends with "all those haters."

• Last Thursday may have been the greatest day of college basketball ever. Unless of course you're an alum of Gonzaga, Duke, West Virginia or Bradley.

• Jeremy Roenick broke his ankle in a game against the Nashville Predators on Saturday. No, it had nothing to do with sticking his foot into his mouth.

• Even Jimmy Johnson's 30th place finish at Bristol wasn't punishment enough for crew chief Chad Knaus, who returned to NASCAR on Sunday after a four race suspension for cheating.

• Why is that every time that scrutiny over steroids begins to fill the media, Barry Bonds gets hurt. Now the Giants cheater has a strained elbow. Wonder if he'll miss all of 2006 with this ailment?

• Who is the biggest loser in the NBA? Nope, not the Charlotte Hornets. Sounds like Portland Trailblazers owner Paul Allen takes that distinction.

• Only in the ABA can you eject a coach and a team...from the league.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

As the Roid Turns

Just when you think things couldn’t get any more entertaining in the whole Baroid the Steroid soap opera, his band of lawyers decides to finally take some legal action on the whole Game of Shadows deal. Problem is the claims are about as weighty as a Baroids claims that he’s innocent. Federal Judge James Warren agrees, so he tossed a request for a restraining order on the release of the book.

Baroids attorneys didn’t make big enough fools of themselves with the restraining order request, so they also decided to send a letter Friday to U.S. District Judge Susan Illston demanding that the writers (Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams) and publishers (Gotham Books) be held liable.

"The true victim is not Barry Bonds, but the sanctity and integrity of the grand jury process," attorney Alison Berry Wilkinson wrote.

The first question we’d like answered is, how many cereal box tops did Miss Berry Wilkinson have to send in to get her law degree?

Gotham spokesperson Lisa Johnson fired back at Dewey, Cheetum & Howe with a response on behalf of the publisher.

"We at Gotham Books are shocked that Barry Bonds would take such a foolish step," she said. "Any respected First Amendment lawyer in America knows that his claim is nonsense."

Ouch.

Friday, March 24, 2006

A Blue Day in St Loo

Kiss it goodbye. The streak is done. After 25 years, the longest active playoff appearance streak for a major North American sports team ended on Thursday night, when the St Louis hacked up a 7-2 loss to the Calgary Flames. The loss officially eliminated the Blues from post season consideration after an incredible quarter century run.

Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing for Dave Checketts, the head of Sports Capital Partners, who announced ironically, that he was buying the Blues from Bill and Nancy Laurie. He’s getting a doormat franchise for the bargain basement price of $140 million (compare that to Manny Ramirez’s last contract).

He also acquires a team absent of any star power. After a fire sale that started at the end of last season, the Blues have shed the likes of Chris Pronger and Doug Weight. Only Keith “Refrigerator” Tkachuk remains.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Have Glove, Will Travel

So you play softball eh? If you can hit and want to pick up a little pocket money, then head on over to the great state of Florida, because they’re looking for some ringers. At least the state Corrections Department may be, after having to fire their last one.

It seems one Mark Guerra, a former minor leaguer, was on the state jailers payroll to provide some type of work at a Florida prison library. Guerra was really accepting a paycheck in exchange for his softball services in a tournament held last May by Corrections Secretary Jim Crosby.

The State Attorney General announced that Guerra agreed to repay $1,400 and complete 50 hours of community service after being charged with accepting checks for bogus work. Crosby was fired by Governor Jeb Bush last month.

No Fouls League

Zebra
Hallelujah! Someone's
finally gonna
set us straight!
So maybe NFL owners aren’t as old and senile as we all think they are. No, they’re forcing out all the old and senile on-field officials, but they are attempting to take steps in the right direction. The league is looking into change how games are officiated, and may modify how several existing infractions are called.

Flinches by wide receivers, as an example, may be overlooked by linesman, if the flinch has no barring on the play. There were 850 fall start penalties called during the regular season, so the rule could speed up games and omit some of those suck-the-momentum-out-of-a-drive calls.

He most interesting infraction the league intends to address is the holding call.

Atlanta general manager Rich McKay, co-chairman of the league's competition committee provided huge insight into some of the cutting edge philosophies the league is taking toward holding calls in the future.

"We want to make sure they (the officials) actually see the foul," McKay said.

Uh, so how was this rule interpreted before?

Rule 175.c Holding: If you think that one guy (the alleged grabber) is grabbing another guy (the grabee), OR if one guy plays for a team that you hated as a kid is within 10 feet of your favorite team, the alleged grabber shall be assessed a 10-yard penalty for holding. If the infraction is committed during a nationally televised game, 17 seconds should also mysteriously disappear from the game clock.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Peace, Love & Soccer

And they say American football is blood sport? Can’t wait for the World Cup…

• In Sofia, Bulgaria, a Liverpool fan had his 15-year sentence for attempted murder upheld by the Bulgarian Supreme Court of Appeal. On July 26 19-year-old Michael Shields, was jailed for 15 years for the attempted murder of Martin Georgiev, a bartender, by hitting him on the head with a nine-pound cobblestone as he tried to end a drunken street brawl.

• In a statement published by Italian daily Repubblica, the memeber of AS Roma's notorious ultras hooligan group claims neo-Nazis across Europe met in Braunau in Austria to plan attacks against supporters from Islamic countries during the World Cup in Germany from June 9 to July 9.

• Liverpool striker Djibril Cisse got a little sensitive during a game vs. Newcastle last week. After scoring on a penalty shot, Cisse pulled his shirt over his head, revealing a message to his wife and new son. As Newcastle fans began to taunt him, the Liverpool striker sent a less than polite gesture to Newcastle fans.

• Pietro Allatta turned himself in to police late Monday after authorities issued an arrest warrant last week. After hours of questioning, the investigating judge decided to arrest Allatta and charge him with forgery and making threats. All of this in connection with the recent allegations of Belgian match fixing.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Sunday Roundup

• With Cuba advancing to the World Baseball Classic’s Championship game, there’s one more reason the U.S should invade the tiny Caribbean nation. Liberate all those fantastic baseball players, so we don’t have to endure the likes of Al Leiter for 19 years.

• After Rio de Janeiro police battled with pro soccer players on the field over the weekend on live television, the mystery of Rodney King’s whereabouts have been solved.

• Another brilliant move by Bud Selig. In order to promote Major League Baseball, he’ll have all of two major league players in the WBC final.

Kenesaw Mountain Landis
Michael Chiklis can't
hold a jock compared
to the real commish
• Selig also says that he has yet to determine if there will be an investigation into allegations of steroid use by Baroid the Steroid. Unless Selig can resurrect Kenesaw Mountain Landis to run the investigation, anything else will be as fraudulent as Baroid is.

• Shame on you North Carolina, Pittsburgh, Iowa, Tennessee, and Ohio State. Shame on any of you who picked them to make it past the second round.

• We felt sorry for Drew Bledsoe when Tom Brady led “his” Patriots to a Super Bowl Championship. Now we just flat out pity the guy, having to lead the biggest fool in football in the huddle.

• Speaking of the fool, there’s only room for one sheriff in Dallas, so T.O. or the Tuna will be gone by the end of the 2006 NFL season.

• They booted a guy from the Iditerod this week for going too slow. Don’t the dogs determine how fast the team travels?

• 86-year-old Red Sox great Johnny Pesky broke his leg b a line drive at a college game, which means the Sox have no choice but to play Alex Gonzalez at shortstop this season.

• After he pulled a gun on a bunch of teen aged kids, did it surprise you to hear that Marcus Vick scored lower than Vince Young on the Wonderlic test?

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Jerry Jones Has Gone Mad

Terrell Owens
Hiring Barry Switzer
just became the
second dumbest thing
Jerry Jones has done
America’s team is about to become America’s punch line. Could Jerry Jones’ plastic surgery have affected his ability to think rationally? After signing Terrible Terrell Owens to a three year contract that even suggests “record money” for a wide receiver, Jones surgically enhanced scalp is either tugging on the logic section of his brain, or he’s gone mad.

In either case, Jones has always done thing his own way, so this stunt will surely arm us with more content down the road than we’re even able to fathom at this point in time. T.O. was made for Jones and vice versa.

What will be interesting is how Owens answers questions about his shenanigans in Dallas a few seasons back, when he desecrated the Dallas star at Texas Stadium when he played for the 49ers? The worst part of this signing is that Satan himself, Drew Rosenhaus, will be permitted to speak in front of America’s television cameras once again. Any face time that this clown receives is time we all lose in our lives.

We’re going to beat the Vegas odds-makers to the punch by setting our own over and under on the number of games it will take before Owens pisses off Dallas fans. Take the under 18 ½ on this one folks. That’s between games 2 and 3 of the 2007 NFL season for those of you who need us to spell it out for you (you don’t really think Dallas is getting anywhere near a playoff spot do you?).

Where’s George Teague and Emmitt Smith when you really need them?

Friday, March 17, 2006

The Prodigal Son Returns

Ron Artest (aka M.C. Pugilist) made his return to Market Square Arena in Indianapolis on Friday night, to a chorus of boos. And after all he’s done for the fine folks of Indiana. You’d think the guy was a criminal or something. Artest received more boos then the Detroit Pistons on their last return to the Pacers crib, but then again he did abandon his team, teammates and fans when he decided to go Rocky Balboa on those Pistons fans last season.

"If there was a fight between the fans who loved me or booed me, I think the boos would have won," Artest said after his Kings lost 98 – 93 to the Pacers.

Artest’s partner in fisticuffs, Stephen Jackson, stuck up for his boy.

"I just told Ron he shouldn't feel bad," Jackson said. "They boo me, and I play here. I don't think it bothered him. If they'll boo me, they'll boo anybody."

You’d think with a reception like that, Artest would have done everything in his power to shut the crowd up. Well, not everything. That one solution didn’t work out so well for his in Detroit. His shooting certainly wasn’t there, so it was the Pacer faithful who got the last shot in on this night.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

You'll take 1% and like it

Randy Moss
"Hey Dante, why you foaming
at the mouth down on
the ground like that?"
Randy Moss hasn’t exactly been a Boy Scout, but it may be time to start shifting some of the blame on his environment. First there was that whole sex cruise thing perpetrated by all his ex-teammates, now word from St Petersburg, FL comes that Moss’ agent, Dante DiTrapano, was busted on Wednesday for possession of crack cocaine.

This is the agent for one of the highest paid players in the NFL and this guys is dancing with crack? Moss must be one kick-ass negotiator if he talked the guy’s commission down to the point that he can only afford crack. Randy, you the man!

DiTrapano and his wife, Teri, were arrested at a St Pete hotel after police were called to deal with a disturbance.

"I'm sticking by my friend and I'll support him and his family as he gets help battling his problem," Moss said through DiTrapano’s office.

Wonder if Moss will be called to defend DiTrapano’s character?

That's Not Amore

International soccer and the World Cup have been synonymous with competition, camaraderie and national pride. You can add life threatening to list of adjectives. Just ask the three British soccer fans that were stabbed in Rome on Wednesday by rival fans. The Italian cops are saying that the violence was caused by “organized gangs of locals”.

Things got testy after about 200 fans of England’s Middlesbrough Football Club were drinking in Campo de’Fiori before the UEFA Cup game against AS Roma. A gang of Italians started throwing fire crackers, bottles and chairs at the Brits. Things turned nasty when knives were thrown into the mix. 13 Brits were treated and discharged, but a 39-year-old man required surgery after being stabbed in the chest and back.

So much for the Torino love-fest eh. Of course, it would be unlike British soccer fans to cause trouble.

"The vast majority of the Middlesbrough supporters that were there were what we would describe as good, normal, shirt-wearing supporters of Middlesbrough not hooligans, not people known for trouble," Superintendent Steve Swales of Cleveland police told reporters.

Ah, these were peace lovin’ British soccer fans. So for the uneducated, there’s no need to defend yourself if the British troublemaker you’re fending off is wearing a shirt.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Baroid's Boss Emerges from the "Shadows"

Uni-Baroid
Baroid forced to go
incognito in order to score
his juice now that Greg
Anderson is in the pokey
San Francisco Giants owner Peter Magowan told reporters on Tuesday that the organization will “celebrate appropriately”, should Baroid the Steroid pass Babe Ruth on the all time home run list. We’re not quite sure what that means, but we’re guessing that free syringes will be mixed in there somehow.

Magowan and team president Larry Baer have taken the low road during Baroid’s excellent adventure last week, after allegations of rampant steroid use were published in Sports Illustrated. They emerged on Tuesday to get the cash cow rolling once again.

"It's certainly not going to go unnoticed or uncommemorated," Baer said. "He's our player and it would be a tremendous accomplishment. We don't have a hold on what we're going to do. It won't be silence."

Translation: This is a fantastic money making opportunity for the San Francisco Giants and the guy that signs my paychecks. It would be foolish of us not to squeeze as much as we can out of the homers* who fork over the green year after year, even though we've yet to win a World Championship in the 5 decades that we've been in San Francisco.

* Editor’s Note: The term “homer” is used to describe the Giants fans who are unwilling to recognize a cheat when they see one, not the drug induced round trippers that have been sailing into McCovey Cove the past five years.

Old School

It’s retro bad boy day here at WC, courtesy of former New York Met Dwight Gooden. Doc was arrested on Tuesday after admitting to his probation officer that he had used cocaine. Why Gooden would volunteer this information is beyond us, unless the big dummy walked into his probation meeting looking like had just feasted on powdered doughnuts.

The 1985 Cy Young Award winner was required to conduct regular chats with the parole officer as part of his punishment for fleeing a DUI traffic stop in 2005. He was sentenced to three years probation for that infraction.

Gooden’s arrest just brings back all those great Met memories, doesn’t it? Now all we need is Darryl Strawberry knocking off a liquor store & Lenny Dykstra shooting himself up with some foreign substance, and we have ourselves a party.

Only in America

Don King
No really, how much
is this going to cost me?
Leave it to Don King to have a street named in his honor…in a town that he’s banished from. Atlantic City officials unveiled “Don King Plaza” on the Boardwalk at Mississippi Avenue on Monday, even though King is not permitted to promote fights in any Atlantic City casino, because of his refusal to deal with casino regulators.

King doesn’t have a license to promote fights in Atlantic City, because he refuses to answer questions about former IBF chairman Bob W. Lee, who was convicted of money laundering, tax evasion and racketeering in 2001.

King was honored for his charitable contributions to the city. City officials were quick to point out that King’s charity, includes turkey giveaways to the poor. What, you were thinking charitable cash donations to city officials perhaps?

"It is a momentous occasion, and one I'm humbly grateful for, to be honored in such a way," said King.

Kind of devalues the word “honored”, doesn’t it.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Sunday Roundup

• Now that Edgerrin James has a new $30 million contract, does that mean he can get the rest of his teeth gold plated?

• Baroid the Steroid hits his first home run of the spring, prompting speculation that he may be on the juice.

• Lute Olson really dropped the hammer when he suspended Hasan Adams for the entire (Pac 10) tournament.

Adam Stern
You do realize
you're about to High-5
a guy named Stubby Clapp
• Canadian outfielder Adam Stern returned to the Boston Red Sox this weekend after his heroics over Team USA in the World Baseball Classic. Time to wake up Adam. You’re still a farmhand.

• The New York Islanders dressing room at Nassau Coliseum was flooded when a sewage pipe broke this week. It was the first time in 20 years that something other than the Islanders were stinking up the joint.

• The Twins honored Kirby Puckett during a Metrodome memorial service by laying his jersey out in center field and requiring all female attendees to be escorted to the restroom.

• Leave it to Curt Schilling to blame the batter, after beaning Pittsburgh Pirate center fielder Chris Duffy.

• After spending an extra two weeks to keep extra dollars out of the players hands, NFL owners sure are forking it over in free agency like it’s candy.

• The Baltimore Ravens made jailhouse contingencies at running back by signing Mike Anderson.

• The Cincinnati Bear Cats landed the tournament #1 seed that they coveted all season. Problem is, it’s an NIT bid.

• From the “What took you so long?” file: The Montreal Canadiens had 35 years to retire Bernie “Boom Boom” Geoffrion’s number, but they waited until the day he died to get it done.

• Brazil’s Renoldo called Pele a “two-bob opportunist”. Which immediately led us to pray that this is some childish spat over who got to peck for apples first.

• Get over it Jim Nance and Billy Packer. The brackets have been set. It’s time for March Madness!

Friday, March 10, 2006

This Bull is a Bear

Red Bull
The team that nobody watches
now owned by the beverage
that nobody drinks
The New York / New Jersey MetroStars are no more. At least in name. The team was purchased by Red Bull Co. Ltd., and promptly renamed “Red Bull New York”. And yes, your instincts are correct, it is a stupid name. So stupid in fact, that the MLS is going to call it something else. When you check your MLS standings (all three of you) in the morning, you’ll need to scan for the New York Red Bulls.

We will give the MLS credit, because at least they're consistent. This makes them 2-for-2 in the asinine franchise renaming department this year. The “Houston 1836” lasted all but a month, before succumbing to public pressure to change the name.

The announcement was made by Red Bull GM, Alexi Lalas, who will now be referred to as the "Red Hippie".

Wonder if this latest moniker madness is going to tick off fans of “Sammy the Bull” Gravano. Sammy has a lot of friends in Hoboken you'z know (also home of Red Bull Co. Ltd.)

It’s all a bunch of bull if you ask us.

Bungles Forever More

Cincinnati Bengals president Mike Brown doesn’t like the new NFL labor agreement, citing a tilt in benefits to players and large market teams. The Bengals and Buffalo Bills were the only two teams to vote against the new deal on Wednesday.

"I would have preferred at this time no deal," Brown said. "That doesn't mean we wouldn't have continued on. We have a contract for two more years when we made this deal. I would have wanted to bargain for a better deal in the future."

So just as Brown’s Bengals start to emerge from two decades of mediocrity, he wants to put the skids on the game so that his owner can squeeze out a few more bucks? That’s just brilliant. The Bengals finally shed their Bungles moniker as players like Carson Palmer and Chad Johnson emerge as legitimate NFL caliber players, he wants to stifle their progress.

There’s a reason the Bungles have been the Bungles for so long, and this guys appears to be carrying the torch and keeping it burning bright. It’s too bad the league doesn’t have franchise revocation rules written into the NFL by-laws for stupidity.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Ready? OK!

Cheer
Cheer-gate could
paralyze sports
Effective immediately, the American Association of Cheerleading Coaches and Administrators have recommended college conferences bar basket tosses and high pyramids without a mat. It took us a moment to get over the shock…that there is an American Association of Cheerleading Coaches and Administrators. The first question that came to mind was, what exactly does a Cheerleading Administrator do? But we digress.

The ban comes on the heels of Southern Illinois cheerleader Kristi Yamaoka’s dome dinging fall off a human pyramid last weekend during a nationally televised basketball game. The 18-year-old sophomore had a concussion and cracked vertebra in her neck, but she did what any decent cheerleader would do. She continued to cheer while strapped to a backboard.

"It'd be an unwise move for a coach or others to go against the committee," Jim Lord, the cheerleading group's executive director, said Wednesday.

The veiled threat just sounds ominous, doesn’t it? That didn’t stop SIU's cheerleading coach, Jennifer Graeff from sounding off (sound off!).

"Other coaches are angry, saying this is ridiculous," she said. "If a basketball player dunks and breaks an ankle, are they going to say you can't dunk?"

When was the last time a basketball player broke his neck dunking?

Sea Cruise

Could a Dante Culpepper – Randy Moss reunion be in the works? It’s possible. Culpepper emailed the media on Wednesday to tell them that he has asked the Vikings to either trade him or release him. Apparently en email is what started the whole tirade. Said email was sent to Culpepper by the Vikings, but Dante wouldn’t divulge what the email was all about.

"However, because of the fundamental differences I have with management regarding the approach to my personal and professional life, I think it is the best business decision for both parties to go our separate ways," Culpepper said.

So the Vikings may be cornered into dealing one of the highest paid sea faring quarterbacks in the league. Culpepper is likely to demand that a deal be struck with one of several teams that are physically located close to large bodies of water (ole Dante has a thing for big boats you see). The Oakland Coliseum is a stone’s throw from the San Francisco Bay.

Other potential suitors include the Miami Dolphins, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, San Diego Chargers and perhaps even the Green Bay Packers or Chicago Bears (both are based on the shores of Lake Michigan). Miami and Tampa would seem the most likely target, since the weather can accommodate boat parties year round.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Fraud

Baroid the Steroid
Does this mean there
won't be any cake?
Stop the presses, Barry Bonds used steroids! San Francisco Chronicle reporters Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams will publish a book entitled “Game of Shadows”, which is reported to do what every person on the planet already knew – that Bonds is a roid junkie and a fraud.

The two authors claim that Baroid the Steroid used a variety of substances which were provided in several forms. Bonds is reported to have introduced performance enhancing substances in just about every way, shape or form. He injected himself with a syringe, took injections from former trainer Greg Anderson, ingested pills, put liquid drops under his tongue and rubbing cream on his skin.

An excerpt of the book appears in the March 13 issue of Sports Illustrated. SI also dedicated the cover of the issue to the story, which seems fitting as the start of the 2006 season approaches. Bonds is just 6 home runs shy of catching Babe Ruth and 47 shy of Hank Aarons all time mark, and baseball simply wasn’t prepared to deal with this scandal. The book forces the subject.

The amusing part is that Baroid thought he could take a year off and let the whole scandal fade away, so that he could enjoy the accolades of breaking the greatest record in baseball. The timing of the book’s release may save baseball from one of the biggest shams of all time, assuming MLB does something about it.

Surprisingly, MLB.com actually ran a story on their website, albeit buried in the “News” section of the site. Every other sports media site has the story front and center. Only time will tell if Bud Selig and MLB has the stones to do the right thing and kick Baroid out of the league and wipe all his personal stats from the record books.

Dan Wetzel of Yahoo Sports writes one of the best editorials on the subject. An excerpt of the book can be found on SI.com

The Second Coming of Napoleon Fails to Conquer the Brits

Theo Fleury
Hey there's always
the Icelandic Elite League
Canadian hockey ambassador Theo Fleury still has the old touch. The little hellion managed to get himself kicked out of the British Elite League for good last weekend after trying to light the lamp by using an officials head as the goal. Fleury has already had his share of drama in jolly old England. The latest twist of 'As Theo Turns' started when Fluery took a two minute minor while skating for the Belfast Giants last Saturday.

Fleury was upset with the call and refused to skate to the penalty box, for which referee Mike Hicks added a 10-minute misconduct. After the opposing Basingstoke Bison scored an empty-net goal, Fleury fished the puck out of the net, then fired it at Hicks’ head.

Hicks tacked on another misconduct penalty and then the former Calgary Flames Oompa Loompa went berserk, threatening Hicks. A match penalty ensued, followed by an invitation to not let the door hit him in the backside as he exists the league. League officials made it clear that Fleury will, "not to return to this league ever again."

Next stop, Canadian beer leagues. Or has he been banned from those already as well?

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Sunday Funnies

• Vijay Singh is too tired to play golf, so he’s pulling out of the Honda Classic, and will most likely miss the Bay Hill Invitational. While the rest of the world works for the day when they can quit working to play golf everyday, Singh does the exact opposite.

HAssan Adams
March Badness
• U of Arizona guard Hassan Adams was arrested on Sunday morning for suspicion of driving under the influence. Adams had a blood-alcohol level of 0.121, which is over the legal limit in Arizona of .08. Adams will be disciplined by Lute Olson after the upcoming NCAA tournament.

• The Raiders waived QB Kerry Collins on Sunday, sort of. They had planned to file waive papers with the league, but since the NFL and NFLPA can’t get their act together, the start of NFL free agency has been pushed back to Thursday. That leaves the Raiders with a few days to figure out their cap issues. We’re still trying to figure out who gets the better end of the deal should Collins actually be waived.

• So it looks like it wasn’t George Steinbrenner’s who ordered a sign apologizing for the absence of several Yankees be hung at the Yankees spring training home at Legends Field in Tampa. The sign, which read, “The New York Yankess”, misspelling the team name, was intended to apologize for some other New York team that was supposed to appear at the site. "If it was his (Steinbrenner) sign, he wouldn't have spelled Yankees wrong," Yankees spokesman Howard Rubenstein said.

• The Chelsea football club from the English Premier League got a fine Spanish welcme as they arrived for their Champions League game with Barcelona on Sunday. Barcelona fans hucked spit wads at Chelsea’s bus as it prepared to depart from the airport. How come you never see that kind of stuff in travel brochures?

Pokey's Deal Smells Fishy

Pokey Reese
"Say goodbye Pokey"
The Florida Marlins finally decided to play hardball with AWOL shortstop Pokey Reese, by releasing him. It took the Marlins three days to figure out that the veteran infielder wasn’t coming back to camp, so they gave him the boot.

"We're moving on," Marlins general manager Larry Beinfest said. "We think that the 72 hours that have passed was more than a reasonable amount of time for him to offer some sort of explanation for his unexcused absence. We still do not have that explanation and we're moving on. He will not be with the Marlins in '06."

Odd. Pokey and everyone else on the planet knows why Pokey decided to head for the hills. As GM, you’d think that Beinfest already knows that the Marlins are the worst team in baseball. After his fire sale the past two seasons, why would anyone want to play for the fish?

Even mediocre players like Reese want to believe that they have a shot at winning, but the Double-A roster the Marlins intend to field this season doesn’t provide much optimism.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Vorld Cup Clampdown

If you shelled out the big bucks for World Cup tickets this summer, don’t bother bringing your camcorder. The German organizing committee which is hosting the 2006 World Cup has banned all camcorders from games. Your memories will have to documented via still photography or the old coconut.

Fans who disregard the ban will be stopped at the gates and forced to turn them over. Hopefully you’ll get to keep your gold teeth and jewelry. Confetti and toilet paper are also on the banned items list.

“You vill not be allowed to celebrate goals, tackles or wictories at zee Vorld Cup in Deustchland zis summa,” said an unidentified organizer. “You vill be required to remain stone faced as all good Arians have done srue out zee centuries.”

You can add big bags, ruck sacks and suitcases as items not likely to make it past the gates.

Friday, March 03, 2006

How to Host an Olympics on $30 a Day

Do over! That’s what a majority of the International Olympic Committee is thinking in regards to their vote to allow Beijing to host the 2008 Summer Olympics. Now that a Chinese parliament member is screaming that China had better not put on any extravagant games and blow a wad of money in the process.

"The organizers of the event should exert all efforts to present the best-ever games to the world with the minimum amount of expenditure," Zhang Guiyu, one of the 3,000 delegates to the National People's Congress (NPC), was quoted as saying by the state Xinhua news agency.
"There are still many people living under the poverty line, especially in the countryside. We cannot afford an extravagant event," added the entrepreneur from Shandong province.

Yo Zhang, you couldn’t think of that before you submitted the bid to host the Olympics. Were you not watching the Italians kick ass extravaganza? Did you think that all that pomp & circumstance was going to conjure itself out of thin air.

Oh, this is China we’re talking about. Where the conjuring is supposed to be done at the expense of the slave labor force otherwise known as “the population.”

Imagine if you’re an athlete and this is your one shot at the Olympic experience…and you get to go to the thrifty games. The Olympics are about extravagance, capitalism, all things oh so not-communist. Hopefully the IOC is taking notes.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Play World Chumps March Madness Game

It's March Madness time! Show your prowess for bracketology by playing in our NCAA Men's Tournament game on ESPN Fantasy Sports. Simply sign up at:

http://games.espn.go.com/tcmen/groupinfo?groupID=309

Join Group: "World Chumps" (no password is required)

This is a free game. Only 50 entries allowed in this group, so sign up early. Picks must be locked by the start of the tourney on the morning of March 16th.

Wheelchair Tennis Spins Out of Control

Wheelchair Tennis
"Maybe Chad Knaus can help"
First Barry Bonds’ American Idol lunacy and now this. Ilanit Fridman, a wheelchair tennis player from Israel has been suspended one month after testing positive for a banned substance. Yes, that was a wheelchair tennis player testing positive for a banned substance.

Fridman was caught with terbutaline in his system at the U.S. Open Wheelchair Tennis Championships on Oct. 5 in San Diego, the International Tennis Federation said Thursday. The suspension was limited to a month because a tribunal found no intent to use the drug to enhance performance, which would have carried a two-year ban.

Uh, just so we’re clear here. The guy got caught with this banned substance in his body, but the officials figured out that he wasn’t intentionally trying to cheat. Alright then.

American wheelchair player David Buck received a little longer suspension after he tested positive for pot. The same tribunal determined that Buck was not really trying to get high.

Will they play at the Big L-A-A?

A judge rejected a request Thursday by the city of Anaheim to force the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim to change their name back to the Anaheim Angels.

O.C. Superior Court Judge Peter J. Polos broke the bad news to the City of Anaheim when he ruled that he had no authority to reverse the ruling of a jury that three weeks ago decided in the team's favor. That jury decided that the Angels didn't breach a contract with the city when owner Arte Moreno changed their name in January 2005.

"In this case, the jury found no wrongdoing, so in my view you don't get to damages and you don't get to an injunction," Polos said.

After ruling was announced, the Kansas City Royals filed to have their name changed to the "Nu York Yankies".

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Bombs Away

If you thought Super Bowl XL was the bomb, you’re not alone. Somebody was so worked up they decided to suggest that a bomb was planted in the theater where several Pittsburgh Steeler players were assembled for a screening of a new DVD which featured the NFL’s last title game. Several players were evacuated from the Loews Cineplex at the Waterfront in Homestead, Pa.

Police said that an anonymous call to 911 tipped authorities of the supposed explosive. The caller had a male voice, which immediately places suspicion on half of the earth’s human population. Leading the pack of suspects is Mike Holmgren and Payton Manning. Both have telling motives: they lost the chance to hoist the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger dropped a bomb of his own at the premier when he told reporters that he, “hoped the DVD had a good ending.” Unfortunately for him, the bomb scare means Big Ben will have to wait to find out how the video ends.

Drag Bunting

Paula Abdul?
"That ain't William Hung"
My oh my, where to begin with this one. Baroid the Steroid has officially gone nuts. Roids will do that to you ya know. Baroid appeared at the San Francisco Giants spring training facility dressed in drag in an attempt to impersonate Paula Abdul during a rookie hazing ritual.

Um, who was hazing who? And more importantly, why didn’t Baroid choose to be Randy Jackson or Simon Cowell (lord knows they have the same attitudinal approach to life). Maybe because Baroid already had the breasts to fill out the costume?

The hat was a nice touch, but where on earth can we score one of those SF Giant muumuus for the Paula Abduls in our lives?