Sunday, February 19, 2006

Your Daily Olympic Scandal Update

• The banned Austrian ski coach at the center of a doping investigation at the Turin Olympics crashed his car into a police roadblock Sunday evening after leading authorities on a bizarre chase. The zaniness started when Mayer pulled over to the side of the road and took a nap in his car. A suspicious local resident called the cops. When the heat arrived to wake him up, Mayer sped away, striking and slightly injuring an officer. Mayer has had a tough week. Italian police seized blood analysis equipment during raids on the Austrian skiing compound earlier this week, where they found syringes, vials of distilled water, asthma medication and other substances. One Austrian athlete threw a bag out of a window containing needles and medicines, and Mayer apparently left the scene in a minivan.

• The U.S. men’s hockey team continued their experiment to see if sleeping pills enhance athletic performance in their game against Sweden on Sunday. Results continue to indicate that they do not. The U.S. lost 2-1, falling to 1-2-1 in pool play.

• Apolo Anton Ohno continued his mediocre performance in Turin, further supporting South Korea’s claim that his gold medal win in Salt Lake City was a sham. Ohno lost to Hyun-Soo Ahn (gold) and Ho-suk Lee (silver) in the men’s 1000m short track speed skating event on Sunday.

• Alpine skier has yet to fuse his lips together, against advice from a majority of Americans. That means that we’ll all be forced to listen to his excuses for his failures in all three Olympic events thus far and how he “doesn’t really care about medals anyway.”

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